The Art Of Friendship Between Women

Jen Hardy [00:00:11]:

Welcome fabulous! I’m so glad that you’re joining me today. Today is part two of episode 137. If you didn’t hear it, you are going to want to listen to it, but you can hear it after this episode. There are two parts of the same conversation. Conversation. And I think it’s just so amazing to get a group of women together. There’s four of us here, and we’re all discussing things that really matter to women our age, but sometimes we’re afraid to talk to our friends about them. So if you’ve got kids in the car or you might not want to play this episode, it’s not explicit, but we do say a few words that you might not want to say around your kids. Other than that, it’s going to be great. Grab a glass of wine or a sip of tea, whatever you care to drink. Sit back and listen in on our fantastically, fabulous conversation. Hi, everybody. I am so excited to have you all here. Can I have you each introduce yourselves?

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:07]:

John Marie Eayres and yes, Amy.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:01:12]:

I’m Amy Sullivan. Ryan.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:14]:

And I’m Dr. Carrie Skirla.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:16]:

And we’re from the podcast from Everything in Jack. Right, Carrie?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:20]:

Yeah. Where we talk about everything and absolutely nothing. Got that right.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:27]:

For one, I just want to thank you, Jen, for inviting Everything and Jack onto your show.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:33]:

Yeah, you’re welcome.

Jen Hardy [00:01:35]:

I could have you guys every week. This is amazing.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:37]:

I love it.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:39]:

Thank you.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:40]:

Yeah, the next one we do.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:46]:

Right, that would be bad.

Jen Hardy [00:01:52]:

Yeah. We’re running low on time, though. I feel like that should be women.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:55]:

In our age group.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:01:56]:

It is.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:01:56]:

That’s another one. There’s so many women in our age group who have never had one.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:02:00]:

Yeah.

Jen Hardy [00:02:01]:

You know, I was watching some show and the woman turns to the other woman and she’s like, yeah, I’ve everything. And she was like 60 years old. That is the saddest thing. Although I have to say, until I married my husband now, I had no idea the possibilities. And now about Western society, what about.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:02:17]:

You look happy, you look relaxed.

Jen Hardy [00:02:19]:

Jen yeah, it works.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:02:22]:

I have a question. So is your show, like, American? Is it English? Is it global?

Jen Hardy [00:02:29]:

It’s global.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:02:30]:

It’s global. Okay. Global.

Jen Hardy [00:02:31]:

It’s more in America, but we’re in over 50 countries, I think, at this point. Yeah.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:02:38]:

Nice. Congratulations.

Jen Hardy [00:02:40]:

Thank you. Thank you. So, yeah, we’re everywhere. And it’s nice because there’s some things that we talk about that other people can’t culturally talk about and so they can listen here and get the information without having to reach out somewhere that it would be uncomfortable. And it did that before when I talked about being a mom with chronic illness. That was a thing that in certain countries, women could not talk about it. That either, and so they could hear things. It’s really nice to have this platform where we can do that and reach into places and we can talk about things like that last question, because I know we have a time thing, even though I could talk to you for hours. What is something that older women when I say older, I don’t mean old, but, like, say over 40. Over 50. Worry about that.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:03:27]:

You think they could stop worrying about their bodies crinkles? Yeah. And I mean yeah. The physical appearance of it all kind of points back to what Amy was saying. There’s this acceptance of an idea. I read an article once that women start to lose their sex appeal after age 50, and, man, if that’s not a bloody lie, it’s just not true. Just understanding. I think this question really brings it all together, that there are going to be some changes because of a shift in hormones. If you can take care of yourself properly, learn how. And Suzanne Summers really points to that. What was happening with her skin was the changes in her skin wrinkles and dimples and all of that that we don’t like was coming from the loss of estrogen. So if you know how to care for yourself and take care of yourself, you want to do that so that you can just live your life, but don’t let it just be because of the superficial world that we live in and all of the media influence. Yeah, that’s what I would say. What was the question again? I forgot.

Jen Hardy [00:04:49]:

What is something older women worry about?

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:04:51]:

Well, I was so wrapped up in your I know.

Jen Hardy [00:04:53]:

That was a beautiful answer, very well articulated. But you’re a doctor, so that’s good. What’s something that older women worry about? That maybe they don’t need to anymore or they don’t need to at all?

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:05:05]:

I would say competing. Whether you’re competing with your younger self or with your younger neighbor next door, really get the fact that it’s not a competition. Who I am today is not who I was five years ago. And there are things about myself today that I love, and they didn’t exist five years ago, even though my body five years ago might have been ten pounds lighter or I was running marathons. But there’s this concept of, like, I used to be this, I used to weigh this much, I used to do this. I used to be able to run a five minute mile.

Jen Hardy [00:05:52]:

Right.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:05:53]:

And that’s taking everybody else in the world out of it. But it’s like constantly competing with ourselves. Like, if you could give something up, I would give up competing, even with past. Amy yeah.

Jen Hardy [00:06:05]:

And I think that’s brilliant because that’s something that I do, but I never thought about it really, is competing against my former self.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:06:14]:

Yeah.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:06:16]:

I was wondering I was going, what is it? What is it? So I was listening to Dr. Kerry, and is one of them it’s never too late. That’s what I’m going to say. It’s never too late. We can reinvent ourselves. We can recreate our bodies recreate a mind. I’m so thrilled I don’t have to worry about getting more educated or going to university. That the kind of thing my daughter is concerned about right now. Learning algebra, I was worried about that as a kid. I don’t know why I spent so much time on it, quite honestly. At ten years old, why are we adding letters together? But I don’t have the answer. But I’m looking at I think I do still worry about the same things I did when I was younger, because we don’t really see our ages. But I do have the experience of having to generate, not giving up. Don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up. And you can sometimes see that, can’t you can see, like, people given up and they don’t know they’ve given up. So it’s always being awake to not giving up and not getting like, it’s too late to learn a language. I was thinking about yesterday, having conversation with somebody, like, what’s been a holding pattern? You know, like those planes, they go round and round, they don’t land because they’re in a holding pattern. I thought, what’s in the holding pattern? And I went, yeah. A year ago, I said I was going to learn Italian and I didn’t learn Italian last year. See, I could have had at least three more words if I’d learned Italian.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:08:00]:

Yeah.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:08:00]:

So as soon as I saw that, I went, a computer go into a podcast and I love this show. It’s coffee break Italian. They’ve got like, nine languages, coffee Break French, and they’re just really fun podcasts. So I am kind of endorsing them, but I just thought, I can learn Italian. I see. I can learn a new I could become fluent at French. I was going to say, how you say it in French is fabulous. De sancount.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:08:32]:

Yeah.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:08:33]:

So which is fabulous? Over 50. Don’t you love it? It’s fabulous.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:08:39]:

Fabulous.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:08:44]:

And and it does take something like all four of us right now, we’re in the podcast world. Isn’t that exciting? And what’s the percentage of women in the podcast world is still as few as I don’t know. It’s like 32%.

Jen Hardy [00:09:02]:

But do you know what’s really disturbing is that I’m 54. Podcast statistics don’t go past the age of 54. Did you know?

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:09:10]:

Yes.

Jen Hardy [00:09:11]:

They stop.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:09:12]:

Yes, exactly.

Jen Hardy [00:09:15]:

It doesn’t end. We have decades left. That’s what people stop thinking, that we have decades left. Here’s a question for you guys, because this is something that happens to me, and I don’t know if it happens to you. In my mind, I’m younger. When I look in the mirror, I see myself about 30, but when I see myself in a picture, I’m like, who is that lady with a gray hair experience that yeah, we were just.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:09:41]:

Talking about that last week. I thought I was dancing and just moving, and then I caught a glimpse of my old slow bra.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:09:54]:

Oh, I love that. Exactly. I was in that little clip too. Here’s what’s funny. I went skiing for the first time ever with my 25 year old daughter, for the first time ever, going yes. Come on. I’m a yes gal. And I go skiing. I take this lesson, I’m scared out of my mind, but after about 3 hours, I’m with this guy and then a little group, and then it’s towards the end of the day and my daughter’s filming me coming down the mountain. What we’re talking about is the baby slope.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:10:30]:

Okay?

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:10:31]:

We’re not glass. I mean no, the baby slope. Anyway, I felt like I was going really fast. And then she shows me the video in the car because she didn’t say anything I was at all, Can I have a look? And I was like, what is I was like a caterpillar on a skis. Like but it felt really fast. If you guys ever had that experience.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:11:00]:

All the time, I think it’s just really important. And I only got to this place I’ve just arrived at what I’m about to say. It’s so important to just accept where we are and embrace it. Because how many times have you looked at pictures of yourself when you were 30 or 40? And at that time you realize, gosh, I thought I was fat. I looked great, actually. Right? And if we don’t do that now my mom just turned 93. I went to North Carolina for her birthday celebration and her boyfriend was there and he’s 79 years old. And I remember when she told me like, I think I want to start dating again. And I’m like, Why? And she said, Well, I’m still here. And I said, well, what do you want, mom? And she said, I want a guy that can see at night. And then I was waiting for the rest and it was like that was it, right? And I said, Why is that important? She said, well, we could go out and not get lost at night, right? And so I’m like, all right, here I’ve got friends in their thirty s and they want six pack ABS like Amy was talking about. My mom just wants a guy that can see at night.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:12:21]:

Oh my God. But don’t we I want someone. I do not want someone. I don’t want a girlfriend or a guy friend like shoot me. Really? Who said, oh, it’s too dark to go out. I don’t go out at night. We should take out that’s too triggering to say she but you know what I mean.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:12:40]:

So if we’re not present where we are right now and embracing my mom now, when she walks, she needs assistance. So she either has a cane or she has a walker and she’s still navigating life like making jewelry, dating, everything. And I’m over here complaining because I can’t move like I did when I was 30, right? So that’s what I would say to everyone, just embrace where you are right now and enjoy it. Are we slower? Yes, we are. That’s true.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:13:14]:

But I want to add what? So I had a conversation with Amy. It was a Dysmorphia, right? The Dysmorphia at that moment when I think I was I’m doing okay until Jen. I had a photographic session for my little cover of my book just coming out in November for that back cover page. And when she showed me 57 photos, there wasn’t one photo that I liked. I don’t remember having a couple of chins. I didn’t know I’d look like that. And it was actually pretty depressing. And it was a day later, I just went, okay, we’re going on a new noom diet. This is like the noom is in. And I’ve lost 16 pounds, and it’s been 20 years since I’ve been this weight, but it’s giving me a new lease in life. I go, oh, I do have a muscle. But that was, to me, motivating, actually, for me.

Jen Hardy [00:14:16]:

Right.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:14:16]:

But you weren’t competing against you 20 years ago. You looked at where you were today and then you embraced it, which is exactly what all of three of us have been saying, is embrace where you’re at today.

Jen Hardy [00:14:29]:

Right.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:14:30]:

And then go from there.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:14:32]:

Do you remember what your husband said? Go ahead, Jen.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:14:35]:

Yeah, I remember what he said.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:14:37]:

You got to hear what did he said.

Jen Hardy [00:14:38]:

Oh, it’s okay. What did he say?

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:14:40]:

Depressed. Yeah, that’s right. Go for it. Both no.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:14:45]:

He said to her, well, you’re not 20 anymore.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:14:52]:

That is not wrong answer.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:14:54]:

No, that’s the wrong thing.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:14:59]:

Okay, thanks for the tip. Look out. Anyway.

Jen Hardy [00:15:06]:

Yeah, we need to make a book, I think, for the guys.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:15:09]:

I think it’d be good.

Jen Hardy [00:15:10]:

Do you know, I heard it today from a male affiliate that I work with, and he was saying that the average amount of friends men over 40 have, he had found the statistic. Do you guys know what it is? How many friends does a man over 40 have? On average? 2.9, because some of them don’t have any at all, which is part of the reason why they say these things and do these, because they don’t have anybody to get feedback from. They’re not talking to people, apparently, as they get older about anything, they’re just sitting there, I guess, because my guess, honestly, is because of these shiny screens that they cannot help themselves from looking at, and apparently they’re taking over everything. And I just think that’s so sad, because as women, even though we have that, and yes, sometimes we look at them more than we should, but we’ve got each other look at you guys. I mean, I think you’re a great example. We do communicate and we share things, but I guess they just don’t they don’t really sad.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:16:12]:

My husband has he doesn’t even have the point. He just doesn’t. He has no friends. I’m it.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:16:21]:

I’m not even sure that they can recognize what a friend is. So if you ask them that question, they may have people in their lives and they may not actually consider them to be a friend.

Jen Hardy [00:16:31]:

Yeah, that’s true.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:16:33]:

Well, I know he has an occasional call with his best friend from high school. I mean, that was a plus when I met him, that he had a friend that had been around that long. But they don’t discuss things the way that we do. They really don’t like, man, this is what I’m dealing with. I’ve got ed. I just don’t see.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:16:57]:

And they go, what an eating disorder?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:17:00]:

Right, exactly.

Jen Hardy [00:17:01]:

Juno okay, so on that note, before we go, because I know you guys have got to get going, if there’s a woman listening, thinking, well, you know, I don’t really have friends either. I’m lonely. What is something because you three, you’re tight, you talk, you have a podcast together. Do you have good advice for that woman so that she can get this connection that she needs?

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:17:24]:

Yeah, well, I’m going to pounce on that one is I had way more friends when I was 15 than I do at 58. And it could be because I had children for 20 years, like I had my biological daughter. And then I had three stepsons, and there was a lot of going, coming back, doing a taxi service. I don’t know about the advice, but there’s something about really, really generating friendships, really making it’s so much easier not to call anybody. It’s so much easier not to get on a plane and fly and visit a friend, like, just talk on the phone. But I am actually at 58, I’m consciously creating friendships. I do have friends who I’ve known for 30 years, 30 years, 35 years. And it takes something for me to get on a plane and go, I’m going to nurture this friendship again. I’m going to light it up a little bit. So nurturing friendships like getting reacquainted with your friends again? I do think it takes something like it I don’t think it’s natural for me personally to surround myself with a bunch of friends. I’m definitely social. I love having dinner parties, but that’s not friendship, that’s social dinner parties. Right. It’s different. We’re going over to Dr. Carey’s after one of our recording days, and.

Jen Hardy [00:19:13]:

We’Re.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:19:13]:

Going to go watch something. I’m sure we’re going to watch it all night, but we had to plan that, right?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:19:21]:

Yeah.

Jen Hardy [00:19:21]:

Right?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:19:21]:

Yeah. And what was interesting about that was we’re going to binge watch my favorite television show, and I don’t want to watch it with anybody else but them because of who they are in my life. Right.

Jen Hardy [00:19:37]:

So what is your favorite show?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:19:40]:

Succession on HBO. I just love that show. I think it’s Amy’s life. But what Jean Marie is saying, it’s like I’ve always been social, and in the academic world, there’s just a lot of conversations and get together, and it’s very superficial. And what I discovered later in life is friendships don’t just happen. Certainly I still have all my girlfriends from elementary school, from undergrad, like, they’re still in my life today. But as I got older, I wanted people that would support who it is that I want to be in life. And Amy and Jean Marie are two women that will call me out on anything that needs to be called out. They support me having a healthy marriage, a healthy life period, right. And I can always go to them. And there are other people I see in my life way more than I see them, but they are just so core. So that’s what I would say to women. You want someone that’s going to be there. That’s part of that hub of everything that you’re trying to grow and expand in your life, somebody that’s going to help hold you up, not by always agreeing with you, by helping to point things out. And lastly, I would say don’t let it be random, be intentional about the relationships that you create. We are with intimate relationships, romantic relationships, and we kind of loosey goosey with friendships, and they should be very intentional. Where are you in life and who do you need in that life to really support you and what you’re doing and what you want to accomplish?

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:21:32]:

I find for me to create a friendship, I have to give myself to it. I can’t expect somebody to just come find me, right. And actually want to be my friend. I have to give something of myself that they need, that they find interesting, that they want in their life, whether it’s the actual ability to listen and really understand where they’re coming from or if they need somebody that is fun and exciting and we’ll go dancing, but I can’t wait for somebody to come be my friend. I have to go find them. And then I have to give part of myself to that relationship and be the first one to step forward and offer, which is very vulnerable. I mean, we all were on the playground at some point in time and asked so and so little Susie to be our friend if she wanted to come to our birthday party. And she said no. And it’s like, here we are. I’m not over 50. But in a weird way, it almost comes back to that again where we don’t know how to actually make a friend. And for me, I have to step forward.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:22:53]:

Yeah. Oh, Mike, I just want to say this because, gosh, every time Amy talks, I just love it. But what I’ve seen am I the super smart friend?

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:23:03]:

Wait, am I the super smart friend?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:23:10]:

She’s my smart, beautiful friend. But we do tend to let friendships be random and then friendships, we’re quick to dismiss them. And I can remember when I asked Jean Marie to be my friend. We were already connected, working together, but it was social, like she was saying earlier. And I said, jean Marie, I want to create friendship with you. I knew what that meant. That meant that now I have a commitment to her, and if she rubs me the wrong way, I’m not going to go and tell the lady down the street I’m going to talk to her about it. Right. You’re not intentional in your friendships like that. A friend can do one thing and it’s like, oh, I’m cutting that person off. It’s like your relationship with your spouse or your partner. Friendships should be evolving. We should be willing to work on them and be authentic in them so that there’s always a space of trust. And Amy, one day we just discovered each other. We were already doing a podcast together, and all of a sudden, there she was, this best friend that I didn’t get to play with. Right. And we began to create it from there. So it’s really an invented life, whether it’s friendship, intimate friendships. And there is something that I think we have to be intentional about in communication, not expectation. Expectation is not a communication.

Jen Hardy [00:24:40]:

Yeah, and I love that you’re saying, too, and all of you, that it doesn’t have to be somebody that we agree with every single thing all the time. And it’s okay to say, hey, this may be an issue, this is something we need to talk about. And I think so many women are so afraid to do that that they let things go or they’ll stop talking to the person or whatever, but it’s okay to say, hey, we need to address this because our relationship is that important. I think that’s really important. Takeaway from that.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:25:10]:

Yeah.

Jen Hardy [00:25:11]:

That’s awesome. Well, on that note, thank you all so much for joining me. I appreciate it. And I’ll have a link to your show in the show notes and on the website. Is there anything last parting words that you want to leave with the audience?

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:25:25]:

Fabulous.

Jean-Marie Eayrs [00:25:26]:

Fabulous.

Amy Sullivan Ryan [00:25:33]:

Thank you so much, Jen, for having us.

Dr. Cari Skrdla [00:25:35]:

Thank you, Jen. The only thing I would say in departing is fabulous. Over 50 is a state of mind, and it’s up to you to have it be that way.

Jen Hardy [00:25:48]:

Exactly. There you go. I have to say that that is one of the healthiest, best friend groups I have encountered in my adult life, and it’s so awesome to see. And I have to say I’m a little jealous because I wish I had a group like that that I could talk to about those serious things all the time. And that’s why I wanted to play this whole episode through, even though it’s an hour. Broke it up into two episodes so that you can jump in on our conversation and see what people are talking about. And it’s really important that we have these friends. And I encourage you to encourage your husband to get out there and make some friends too, because those statistics are pretty sad. It’s another reason why I’ve started Jen’s Friends, the daily video email to go out for women over 50. Maybe you live alone or you’re just feeling lonely even though people are there sometimes that happens and maybe you just need a little bit of encouragement every day. That’s what this email is. It’s just me coming into your inbox every morning, just encouraging you and letting you know how fabulous you are. Because, you know, girl, we need to hear it. We know it on the inside, but it still does feel good to hear it. So go to jenhardy. netFriends, check it out. You can gift it to somebody else who might need it and stick around because the next episode is going to be another fabulous good human award. And I cannot wait for you to meet this person. They’re so amazing. So stay tuned and stay fabulous.

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