Taking Care of Aging Parents and Empowering Caregivers

Jen Hardy [00:00:10]:

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 podcast where we encourage, inspire, and empower women to find their fabulousness. I’m your host, Jen Hardy. And today, we’re going to do that by talking to my dear dear friend, Nancy May. I love her so much. She is so genuine and so caring And she has put together the most incredible information for people who are taking care of a loved one because at some point, many of us are going to have to do that. I’ve already done it four times taking care of a loved one as they were dying. and it’s a hard process, especially if you don’t have all the answers, which when you’re going through it, you rarely have all the answers. And Nancy has put everything together. So stick with us for this amazing conversation. I guarantee you’re going to learn something. And you are just going to wanna reach out to this incredible woman. I will have all of the links to get ahold of her and the information she has in the show notes and on the website. And here it is, my conversation with Nancy May. Nancy, thank you so much for joining me on the show today. 

Nancy May:

Thank you, Jen. It’s a delight to be here with you. It’s it’s fun to do a show with a friend. 

Jen Hardy:

I know. I love it. And I love what you do after going through taking care of my dad as he was sick and passing. and my aunt and my grandma, unfortunately, and my ex mother-in-law, it’s been way too much of that. And I know I wish I would have had your podcast. as I was going through that because you touch on a lot of things that people need to know. So you wanna explain your show a little bit? I think you can do that better than I can. I know you’ve got a lot of great information for us about taking care of aging parents and empowering caregivers.

Nancy May [00:01:56]:
Sure. My show is Eldercare success or doing it best with Eldercare success. I say doing it best because you don’t wanna do it bad. And we all have those, like, wonky days. Right? But, you know, really, I’m just focused on creating ways or are actually sharing ways to reduce the physical, emotional, and financial stress and strain of caring for an aging parent, a loved one, or, you know, a spouse even or partner, there’s so much that’s out there. And I think a lot of it tends to assume that Everybody we care for has dementia. Well, no. You know, there’s guess what? If you have dementia, you probably have a lot of other stuff going on too. I’m being polite. But but that’s, you know, that’s the person who’s going through it. And, you know, it’s one thing to be The patient, or in this case, I’ll say the victim of the disease. And it’s another to be the person who’s responsible for caring for them. and whether you’re a a durable power of attorney, power of attorney, a guardian, a fiduciary, whatever it is, the weight really sits on our shoulders, and it can be really it’s heavy. I mean, it it it can physically You can physically feel it on your shoulders and in your chest at times. And it’s exhausting. So I try and find ways to add a little levity to it to be different and creative in the kinds of things. We did one show on you probably heard on, betrayal, which I haven’t heard any other elder care related shows talk about. I just did a recording with a doctor talking about some of the the good things and then not. So great things about the FDA approval of certain drugs and creating false hopes. For us, on certain cases, And I’ve got a bunch of other exciting things going on, including, you know, in the early shows, which were a little wonky as every first shows are. show shows her my English on, how to reduce anesthesia in the OR by doing hypnotherapy with my dear friend Sasha, Sasha Salif, who does that? Does it over, like, 9000, operations? So that’s important. And You know, I even even conversation I had with a GoDaddy customer service rep who is dealing with this, and I dealt with somebody else the other day who said, oh my god. I sold it was I was a telemarketer for one of those plays places, and here’s what I heard. I was like, oh, tell me more. Oh, that’s good to know. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll do one on that too.

Jen Hardy [00:04:33]:

That’s interesting. And you’ve got a book too. That’s so — Thank you. — very helpful.

Nancy May [00:04:37]:

I have a book is called How to survive 911 medical emergencies. step by step before, during, and after. It’s not a medical book. It is truly a book on how to deal with The the need to call 911, how to make sure that they can find you because not every emergency responder system can find you. through to how to get better care in the in the emergency room in the hospital, how to be better prepared, And then, you know, like, how to get discharged faster. And then what to do when the 911 system is down, and they do go down. So there’s a lot there, not just for dealing with the support of the the patient or your your loved one, but also for yourself. And that’s That’s important.

Jen Hardy [00:05:23]:

It is so important. And I can say, I called 911 once and was put on hold for 20 minutes. It’s very Nothing like your book would be amazing. Yes. Because it’s terrifying when you’re at that that stage where you need to call. That’s incredible.

Nancy May [00:05:37]:

highly unusual. But, you know, if you do call and they ask you to stay on hold, you know, just don’t don’t dial back in or get somebody else to dial in on another phone number and see what happens. but, you’ll just be put back in the queue. And so, yeah.

Jen Hardy [00:05:52]:

So that is so important. And I love it. And you touch on some of the things that can be difficult and, like, dealing with siblings and money that was one of your latest episodes. And I thought that was so great because that can be a very sticky topic. So how do you how do you advise people to get through those those sticky conversations? Are there some secrets that you can share about that? Well, you know, it depends upon what the conversation is, but when it comes to money,

Nancy May [00:06:20]:

again, it depends upon whether you’re the one in charge of the money that your parents have put you giving you that responsibility or, or somebody else. But if you’re the one in charge, understand that the goal here ultimately, if possible, is to make sure that your parents don’t run out of financial assets to support their care. because the last thing we wanna do is have to tap into our own expenses to do so. And then the amount of people who are having financial strain personally because they’re supplementing their parents care is huge. It’s something like, 33% of the of our average incomes will be put towards the care of supplementing a parent’s well-being. And that’s that’s huge, and employers don’t know it. So Those are the discussions that you really need to have with your siblings. If you’re forking money out, I did. I didn’t necessarily tell my my sister. There were some little things. It’s I did it out of, out of just wanting to do what I did for my folks. But I also rightsized or rebalanced their assets and getting rid of a financial advisor who was benefits to broker. This was a benefit to client. It took me 3 years to unravel the BS at this guy did at a major brokerage firm. And we were able to fix it and make sure that they didn’t pass. without, you know, they or they didn’t pass and become destitute, which was hard work, but, but it helped me in the long run. So you have to say, you know, have those conversations in a gentle way. And if you find that somebody’s getting angry or, you know, anxious about it, Just shut up and and and let them talk and listen. I think listening is probably the greatest skill that we have. and trying to keep our emotions out of it, which is very, very hard, but just breathe, take a breath, you know, deal with the facts, and then adjust gently to emotions is what I would say.

Jen Hardy [00:08:21]:

I love that. That is such good advice. And, you know, you talked about who depending on who is responsible for the finances. So I know that for my husband and I, because we still have younger children at home. We’ve gone to the lawyer and set up all the things to make sure that they’re taken care of. and that our finances are as well to protect them, because we have 7 kids and they’re all different ages. And, you know, the older ones are taking care of themselves. but I know that a lot of people put that off because they don’t wanna think about it. What are the top things that people really should do ahead of time to make sure that everything’s going to go smoother.

Nancy May [00:09:01]:

So I wanna say everything. people who have heard me before. Yeah. Yeah. People who have before, I I was very fortunate that, they know that I I somewhat, joke and say that my parents prepared me for their death since I was 5, but as the oldest sibling and and having a younger sister who passed away at 3 from childhood leukemia And then an infant sister who was in our, in our lives at at the time, my mom was concerned, like, what happens if something happens to her and my dad is traveling, you know, I needed to know how to call the doctor, hence 911. So I knew how to do that early on. my dad and my mom always made sure that I knew what would happen if anything in if if they suddenly died while I was a child, my sister was a child. So we knew where we would go with a called surrogate parents that would would take over, guardians that would take over. And then just how to, you know, where where the money was, who the accountants were, who the attorneys were. So there was always something that was set up and planned with my folks. So that was helpful for me. For others, I say, You know, there is no bad juju in talking about this. We’re all going to get there, unfortunately. And I just went to the doctor the other day for a an exam in says, you know, we’re all going to get there. He said, yeah. Yeah. You had talking to the wrong tribe. I kinda know that, but, I don’t wanna happen tomorrow if I can help it. I got a lot to do here. Got a lot of plans. But but have the conversation in a way that is is gentle can be fun. you can have a game talking about what you want. And even just making sure that you have the conversation with an attorney said, you know, I want Nancy to be in charge because of this. And I could have said, I don’t feel capable of doing this. We need to find somebody else. But if you don’t If you don’t have the conversation with your your children or your the people that you want to be in charge, should you be incapable of doing so? You don’t know if they’re up for the job. So, and and then, you know, just if a parent won’t talk about it, tell tell mom or dad and say, listen. You know, making these plans for myself, I want you to know should anything happen to me so that you’re prepared I don’t want you to be shocked because that process of grief really starts almost when you you take on the job. And because we can’t help but think like the what ifs. I mean, that’s just part of being human.

Jen Hardy [00:11:36]:

Yeah. And I think I remember I was 14 when my great aunt died. And it was just all of us in California. My my two parents, my baby brother, and her and I. and she had cancer. And we knew she was, you know, we knew. And she hadn’t prepared in advance. And she had my dad take her coffin shopping, and she went with him. And he said it was the worst thing because the guy’s trying to upsell all the cooking or whatever. Yeah. And he felt so mortified by not taking the top of the line, you know, in front of her or whatever. So I think doing things like that so that you don’t put your other your loved one through that. You know, the funeral business is a is a big business. It’s it there’s a large percentage that it’s controlled by public companies.

Nancy May [00:12:25]:

And I tell people that I consult with it. Look, you do have to understand that One, we are not the customers of the agent care business that includes, you know, from the beginning of 50 is when they consider old in the health care business. You’re you’re now elderly at 50. So wake up ladies and those listening and gentlemen. And, And at the end, it’s also a big, I don’t wanna call it a racket, but I’m going to call it a racket here. But the public companies that are controlling the the aspects of this business their customers are the shareholders. We aren’t. We’re the necessary evil, and they say evil in quotes. for them to exist so that they can provide value or extract value. As I heard from others, somebody else the other day, there’s a whole another story about extracting value with private equity and venture capital and what goes on there. But if you understand that, then you at least have a framework to start And knowing how to advocate for yourself is really, really critical. And you don’t have to be angry about it. But, like, say, no knowing the rules of the game helps a whole lot.

Jen Hardy [00:13:36]:

Absolutely. And I know listening to your podcast, I’m telling you, if you’re listening to this, you really have to listen to your podcast because at one point or another, What are the statistics, Nancy? Do you know about how many of us will be taking care of somebody? Right now, it’s one in 4.

Nancy May [00:13:54]:

40% of us will quit our job, which is not good. So there’s an impact that typically has about a 300,000 dollar impact in the course of, lifetime earnings, if not more. It’s worse for women because it’s more difficult for us to get in. In fact, I was on a a call, a group call with somebody, a group of people the other day. And there was one woman, and I mentioned the statistics. She goes, oh my god. I didn’t realize I was the only I wasn’t the only one who quit my job. And she was in a very high level position. And the company didn’t want her to leave, but she says, I I, you know, emotionally, I can’t do this. I have to I have to leave. So that’s a big impact. And, yes, many companies offer FMLA, the family medical leave act, but that’s only for employers of 50 more employees. So, and just because you take that, it you’re still not getting paid. So it still is a hit. And then the impact on your peers at work. I mean, that’s just the work relationship perspective. And then there’s 53% of them won’t even how our employers for fear of retribution. And, yeah, I got stories on that too. So it’s it’s too bad. I think it’s getting gentler in the corporate workforce, and I think it’s hear from when I hear the men to say, well, I have no problem because I talked to my boss about it. Well, you talked to your boss about it, like, when mom was dying, you know, you’ve got, like, 10 days left to go. Right? Oh, good of yourself or she died, you know, you you take 7 days off for bereavement. You’re better. Come back next 7 days. Doesn’t happen that way. guess what I know. And, you know, when you’re taking care of somebody, it’s a long it’s a long process. So, I employers, I don’t think 10 want to get, you know, pissed off when you take time off. or even if you have a sick child, but it’s, you know, it’s going to impact your life in many ways.

Jen Hardy [00:15:47]:

Yeah. And it’s it’s great to have a place to have answers because I know when I was going through it, I just didn’t. And I, you know, like yours, I I thought it was just me, and I thought you know, no one else is going through that. And and I wasn’t in a position to quit to take care, you know, because I had a I was a single mom. What should you have to? It was so difficult. Yeah. So, yeah, so I I really appreciate what you’re doing. This is absolutely phenomenal, and I really appreciate it. Now I wanna ask you a couple things just about you. what is something? Because I think this is a good question. I like to ask everybody that you thought was really important when you were younger. that you’ve realized this is so important anymore. Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Nancy May [00:16:30]:

So as a kid, I was a horse nut. you know, put me in the barn, barn rat, whatever you call it, didn’t matter as long as it for legs in Nate and it had a tail that switched. I was, you know, happy as a pig and you know what? So, my goal was to be a world class Olympian. The problem is I did not have a world class Olympian horse that I could borrow. So it takes 2. And, I think that that that understanding that it wasn’t that important was was certainly key. And that the lessons of, the the good lesson of that is that I learned very early on that it takes a team to do anything. And we can do a lot by ourselves. But it’s a pretty lonely that it that’s we don’t have to do it by ourselves. my mom always said, go figure it out. You know, you can figure it out. And I said, well, yeah, I can figure it out, but I gotta figure it out by asking other people. So I am I’m used to be very quiet believe you’re not in your podcast. And now I’m the mouth at roars. Where did that happen? So I think that’s that’s one thing.

Jen Hardy [00:17:49]:

I like that. I I like that a lot. Alright. And then the la the second one is what’s something that older women tend to worry about older, say older over 50, that you don’t think they should.

Nancy May [00:18:03]:

Oh, I’m probably worrying about them myself. Right? I would say Not not having to worry what you look like when you go into the grocery store. First of all, I’m not a fan of going to the grocery store, but, you know, sometimes You know, just it it’s it’s real. They’re used to it never failed. We moved down to Florida 2 years ago, and it never failed when I went into the grocery store back back north and Coleman, Connecticut. I would run into a guy who’s, magazine. I had a byline in CEO, CEO former magazine, which I dealt with boards of directors. and it never failed. Here I am. Like, spots on the t shirt, like, you know, flip flops, no makeup, hair is a mess, lucky. I took a shower right to get out of here. Although I usually took a shower, I was kinda like, that’s the thing. And he’s like, Nancy, what are you doing here? I was like, oh, god, Robert. I can’t believe I’m running. I always run into you looking like this. And he said, you look fabulous. I’m like, alright. Well, you know, love you too. So down now that, you know, we’re fairly new in an area, I can my anonymity is fine. I don’t I don’t care as much, but So you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to wear the fur to the to the stuff.

Jen Hardy [00:19:20]:

I love it. I love it. That’s awesome. Alright. And the last thing is If someone is is planning, say, I think to myself, okay. I haven’t made any plans yet for if something happens if I get sick. If whatever. What do you think the the, say, the top 3 things that someone could do to today to start making plans to make things easier for themselves and for their family. What would they be? Top three things. The first is,

Nancy May [00:19:47]:

really just just start making a list of ideas that you have. turning into a game, really. I had a a friend who said, oh, Nancy, I used your idea and they’re okay. She had, like, 7 kids herself. And they were all in this must have been a bus, not a van. They’re all going up north to Vermont. And she said, let’s all talk about what we want at the end of our life. And so one of her her her children who’s very analytic pulled out his laptop and I’m taking notes and I’m making a spreadsheet of what everybody wants. And they came up the wireless ideas. But then they had fun doing it. Like, I wanna be thrown off a mountain top as a body, but it’s dust. And I wanna be buried in the sea, And I want you to, you know, all to have a wild party with girls popping out of cakes. I mean, I don’t know. Those were some crazy, and they had fun, and they didn’t even know what one another wanted. So the parents and the kids talked about it in a fun way. So I would say Just start a list, be creative, be imaginative, and don’t make it so heavy. Just just start. Right? and, make a game out of it. Have a glass of wine. Don’t have a glass of wine. The other is if you haven’t talked to an attorney, Start just researching. attorneys who are dealing with care related elder elder care law related issues. or trust in the states. that’s critical. If you you don’t have to pay typically in some cases, just to have a consultation to find out what somebody charges. Ask what they charge what’s entailed. Get the information from a paralegal or somebody at their office. prices range from — all over the space. It could be from $800 to 1000 of dollars depending upon the complexity of what you’ve got. include your asset so you know what you have. Right? because you’re going to wanna know how much you can hang on to and so that you don’t become a financial burden to somebody else. And I think that’s important. And then, the last thing is have a serious discussion with somebody who you want to make those final decisions for you if you can’t. You know, I I honestly don’t want somebody to pull the plug ahead of time on me. She’s still talking and she still knows who I am, but we don’t like her. Boom. Let’s go. She’s been a pain in the ass long enough. So next, But, but have have those have those discussions and say, you know, if if I can’t talk, that in itself, for me was a huge relief. And it was also Burton, when my parents had to make this decision, dad wanted to fight to the very end. And the hardest job I had was to to make that decision that we we just couldn’t fight anymore. He was 99 47 days, and I say 40 7 days because every day counts. People know me. Every day does count. And know that. Mom was 91 in about 17, and she had dementia and, massive brain aneurysm. But mom always said, if I get to that point, shoot me. So when the doctor wanted DuPont surgery on her, I was up north and I flew down, I said, absolutely, no way in hell you are not playing around, you know, no brain surgery, not on my mom. And when I got there, he said, what do you want us to do? And I said, well, mom said, shoot her. And the doctor was like, from a a foreign, you know, did not Americans said, no. We can’t do that panic. Panic. Does it just chill out? You know, it I didn’t bring I didn’t bring a firearm with me. Not really. Well, you don’t need to worry about that. And it would be too messy, so not good. And I couldn’t pull the trigger. Yeah. But, you know, the decision to say enough was enough with her as painful as it was. It was easier.

Jen Hardy [00:23:39]:

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Knowing what somebody wants does make it so much easier. And I I have to say, you know, I’m listening to you talk, and I’m I’m thinking back to a time, and I will not name names. But, where Someone was dying. Everyone knew they were dying, and some of close person to them was going on vacation. And they said, Do not contact me if she’s about to go, put her on ice till I get back. And she took a turn for the worse. And I said, you know, we need to call them. They are going to want to be home. They didn’t mean that. And I didn’t have the number though. And the people that did waited and she barely made it home. And so I think be careful of flipping comments

Nancy May [00:24:18]:

and don’t say things like that unless you mean them. Well, you know, exactly, but put it in You know, I I would also say for those of who are the caregiver is just to simply, understand what you want to. Do you wanna be there when somebody pass That was that was my biggest fear that I wouldn’t be at either parent’s side. Should that happen? Just to let them know that They weren’t alone.

Jen Hardy [00:24:42]:

Yeah. And neither was. And I think it it really it is an important thing. I know I got to be there with both of my parents and just you know, to hold my mom’s hand even though everyone said she didn’t know. I feel like but I Oh, she knew. Yeah. And if there was a chance that she knew, I wanted you know, we needed to be there. And, you know, we had my little kids. We ended up driving to Cincinnati, and there was nowhere for them to go. So they were in the room with us, and people were mortified. And I said, but, you know, this is part of life, though. And they got to be there, and they got to experience that. And is sad. Yes. It’s sad, but it’s also that is part of life. Like you said, like, none of us gets away from it, and they got to see that it was peaceful, and it was gentle. And, you know, I think there’s something to be said for that, and not that that’s right for everybody.

Nancy May [00:25:30]:

But — I think we celebrate life early on. Right? Oh, somebody’s born, how wonderful the size they are, the the cute little pictures, wouldn’t it be great if we could celebrate life? More than we do at the end too.

Jen Hardy [00:25:44]:

I think so. Yeah. I mean, and celebrate, you know, celebrate. They’re not suffering and, you know, all those things and what we had with them. I think that’s so important to remember that good goodness and the sadness and the the rivalry that people have when some one passes that we won’t even touch on today. things like that, really are not what is should be important.

Nancy May [00:26:06]:

You know? So — No. Those that love us that we’re caring for don’t want that for us either to to live in that pain and then anger. And, life changes after after those parents pass. You can’t stop that, but, they want they want it to be gentle for you too, even if you didn’t have a great relationship with them.

Jen Hardy [00:26:26]:

Yeah. Exactly. Well, thank you so much, Nancy. If people want to reach out to you, where can they find you? They can go to Eldercare access.live

Nancy May [00:26:35]:

for the podcast. And, the website is going to get going soon for caremanity. We haven’t got it yet, but that’ll be caremanity.com. And we’re building all sorts of information out there. But and if you want the book, just go to how to survive 911.com. It’s also on Amazon, but there on how does 5911.com. You can also get a free live file of life and you can learn what that is there.

Jen Hardy [00:26:59]:

And it’s amazing. You’re going to wanna go there. And I’ll have links for everything. in the show notes and on the website. And, Nancy, thank you so much for sharing all of this amazing knowledge with us today. You’re amazing, Jen. Thank you so much. I appreciate being here with my friend. If you’re going through taking care of a loved one, I highly recommend looking into Nancy’s podcast and her website and everything. She’s worked so hard to put together some incredible information. And her book about surviving 911 you have got to get it because you never know. And if you wait till something happens, you don’t time to read a book if you’re calling a 911 or if there’s an extreme emergency or health thing coming. So the most important thing is being prepared. So if you got nothing else from this episode, I hope it’s just be prepared ahead of time. so that when the big things come, you’re ready. And I also wanna encourage you to join our group, the gold circle, because we are all women over 55 And as we’re going through the different things that growing older brings, we’re going through them together because Isn’t that what’s important? Right? So I just wanna encourage you to think about joining us. You can go to jennhardy.net Check it out. There’s all kinds of things for women there. And I know there’s something that you’re going to like, and I just wanna thank you so much for giving me the gift of your time. Thank you for joining me for listening. I love you. And I can’t wait for you to hear the next episode. Stay tuned and stay fabulous.