Living in the Sandwich Generation

Jen Hardy [00:00:10]:

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 podcast, where we encourage, inspire, and empower women to find their fabulousness and live the life of their dreams. Hi, I’m your host, Jen Hardy, and today we’re going to do that it by talking about living in the sandwich generation. And whether you live in all of the parts of this or just some of it, I know that you’re going to relate with some of this discussion. So we’re laying a little heavy on the food metaphor today for this episode. I got a little carried away with it, so let me know what you think. Send me an email, jen@jenhardy.net or go to jenhardy.net/contact. I’d love to get your feedback.

Jen Hardy [00:00:54]:

All right, thanks so much. And have you ever felt like the ham in a life sandwich, squished between the loving yet demanding layers of aging parents and lively children? Welcome to the world of the sandwich generation. A place where you’re caught in the middle, juggling parental care with child rearing. It’s kind of like a family potluck where everyone brought responsibilities and you’re holding the plates. The challenges can feel endless, but so are the rewards of love, connection and growth. And today we’re going to talk about what it’s like to live in this unique generational blend. We’re going to have some insights, tips, and a little bit of support to help you navigate. So grab a seat at the table and let’s dig in.

Jen Hardy [00:01:38]:

And the first thing we need to do is understand what the heck is this sandwich generation? Right? The sandwich generation refers to adults caught in the middle of two demanding roles. One is caring for aging parents, and the second is raising young children. It’s like you’re being the mayo that spread thin, but holding that sandwich together. And if this metaphorical meal sounds familiar, you’re not alone. There are so many people in this situation, and it’s different for everyone, but what you go through is very similar. It’s a mix of financial, emotional and time commitments that can be overwhelming. And being part of it is an emotional smorgasbord, which is a word I never get to say. On one side, there’s the joy of watching your children grow and the profound connection with your aging parents.

Jen Hardy [00:02:33]:

But on the other side, the stress and guilt is a lot. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re so not alone. So many people that are dealing with this report being on a roller coaster of emotions, kind of like sampling every dish at a family feast all in one sitting. And you know how that makes a lot of people feel a roller coaster of emotions, and that’s completely normal. And when you throw in the sibling rivalry, financial pressures, and the longing for a moment alone, you’ve got a full plate of feelings. But don’t worry, because with some understanding and support, we can handle even the most complex emotional situations. Sometimes we just need to know ahead of time what we’re dealing with. And sometimes just knowing that we’re not know it is very helpful.

Jen Hardy [00:03:33]:

So we’ll start first with the aging parents. Now, if you go back a couple episodes, you are going to hear an episode from my amazing friend Nancy May. She has a podcast called Elder Care Success. Highly recommend if you have parents listening to that, because if you’re not taking care of them now, at some point you may need to or if they have to have a surgery or deal with something. She has got so much great information, she’s even written a book about how to handle emergencies. So highly recommend going back to that episode. You can go to the website, jenhardy. Net, go to the podcast, you’ll find it and all the links are right there.

Jen Hardy [00:04:12]:

So you don’t have to Google it or you can Google it because that’s a thing that everyone does. All right? So talking about these aging parents, it’s a tender subject and it requires a delicate balance of compassion, wisdom and practicality because they’ve been parenting you. And then when they get to this point, it almost feels like you parenting them, which is really a delicate dance. So recognizing when they need your help can be subtle at first, too. Maybe Mom’s famous casserole isn’t quite what it used to be, or Dad’s forgetting to take his medicine. Maybe those bills are piling up like dirty dishes, or their lawn looks like it’s ready for a harvest. And those can be signs that it’s time to gently step in or at least start asking the questions, right? But how do you broach the subject? The key is starting with an open conversation with empathy and respect. And let me tell you, if your parents are not at this point yet, this is the time to have these conversations.

Jen Hardy [00:05:17]:

Ask them, what do you want? What do you want to happen if you do get sick? What do you want to happen if you pass? Like, what do you want? These are such hard conversations. And let me tell you, sometimes if there’s money or those kind of things involved, it makes people feel kind of icky to talk about it. So this is what I did. I went to my parents and I said, here’s the thing. I’m the oldest child by twelve years. I know this is something that one day I will be dealing with. I honestly don’t care if you leave your money to the dog or the cat or a charity or whatever. I just need to know what you want.

Jen Hardy [00:05:59]:

And I will ensure that what you want will happen. Because it’s not about me getting anything. It’s about me ensuring that your needs and your desires are met. And once I put it out on the table like that, it made it a lot easier to talk about. Was it comfortable? No. And that’s why I wanted to make sure they knew it’s not about me getting things and a lot of times that’s how sometimes it will come across. So I would just say just be mindful of that when you’re having the conversation, okay? And then once you’ve brought it up, it’s a lot easier to have some shared decision making and trust, right? They’re going to trust in you. You’re going to trust in them.

Jen Hardy [00:06:46]:

And in the beginning, if they’re open, they might let you add some grab bars in the shower, but Dad’s still going to cook. Okay? Or you’re going to maybe help schedule some of Mom’s doctor’s appointments, but she’s still going to host those Sunday dinners. And finding the right balance is absolutely the key. And let’s talk about some resources and support because navigating this part of the journey alone is difficult at best. And there is nothing wrong with asking for support and getting help from professional caregiving services that can step in when you need a break to support groups that provide comforting empathy. There are lots of resources out there. There are local community centers. I know the ones by us have so many things for people who are senior citizens and they might have either a solution for you or they’ll at least know the people who do.

Jen Hardy [00:07:42]:

For instance, in my county, we have a thing called the Golden Providers and I’m actually in that group. And what happens is it’s a nonprofit and they vet out all the providers that come there. So we pay a fee and they do background checks on us and make sure that we’re safe to work with senior citizens and we’re not trying to take advantage of them. And then they refer people who need what we offer to us. And so you might have something like that in your town or your county or your state, so definitely look out for that. You can also ask their doctors if you’re taking them to the doctor’s appointment. Do you have support groups for whatever their condition is or whatever? You can even find online forums filled with fellow Sandwich Generation members. You can also join my group.

Jen Hardy [00:08:28]:

I have a group called the Gold Circle, and it is women over 50. And we are here to encourage and support each other along all the different journeys that have now come up. Because we have the Talk with kids before their teens, but no one has the talk with women before they go through menopause or start parenting children, going through puberty as we’re having our perimenopause or dealing with this parental thing. And it’s time that we have these conversations. So we are going to start a series on the podcast with the Talk as it pertains to us in our situation because there’s things that we all go through and no one is talking about them in a real and uplifting way, right? Because we don’t want to just complain about things. We want to state what the issues are and then we want to come up with solutions like we’re doing today. But if you join my group, you can go to jenhardy. Net.

Jen Hardy [00:09:26]:

Scroll down a little bit. You’ll see gold circle for women. Click on it. Boom, you’re in. You are going to find some amazing women. And we’re just starting, so it’s small. So you’re going to get to know everyone real well. Anyway, that is one solution.

Jen Hardy [00:09:41]:

So the second part of our sandwich is raising kids. Now, you may not have your kids young at home still. They may be in college or you may have special needs kids, or maybe you’re caring for your grandchildren. There are so many different situations that are happening now that didn’t typically happen in the past. And that is why you need support. You need to be talking to other people. It’s not just you. And the feelings that you have that come with that are not just you, because those loving, adoring, beautiful feelings that you have for your children are still there.

Jen Hardy [00:10:19]:

But when you’re also dealing with all these other things, there’s also some stress and guilt that comes in. Okay? So if caring for our aging parents is the meat of our sandwich, raising children is the bread that envelops it. Both of these situations are vital, both are demanding, and both are deserving of their own seasoning and care. So how are we going to add flavor without burning our toast? Okay? Because sometimes the kids get lost in the middle of all of this because we just can go plan your iPad, go watch TV, go do whatever, and we don’t want to do that all the time. We need to be aware of our kids, and so there are ways that I have to help with that. Okay? So your kids might need some immediate attention while your parents need a slow and constant care. And this is where your scheduling skills are going to come into play. Okay? You need to set aside dedicated time for the kids.

Jen Hardy [00:11:17]:

What we’ve started doing is once a week, we call them dates where my husband or I will take each child out alone. Once a week, we alternate children. And we’ve done that to some degree, even when we had seven kids, because they all need well, we still have seven kids, seven kids at home. But they all need attention. And when there’s so much going on, you really need to take that time. Okay? They need to know that you love them and you say it and you’re there for them every day. But they need that. Like looking you in the eyeballs and really hearing it and knowing that you’re going to take the time away from everything else just for them.

Jen Hardy [00:12:00]:

It works miracles. Even with teenagers, if you’ve got a sullen teenager that seems like they do not care whether you are breathing or not, start taking them out once every week or every other week. It can be on errands you run. It can be going I could say going to a movie, but not very often. You want it where you can talk. And this is a mandatory loving family time. Restaurants are great for this. Take them where they want to go, but sit down, plan on spending an hour or two, and just listen.

Jen Hardy [00:12:41]:

Let them talk and tell you what’s going on without you jumping in all the time. Because if they don’t feel heard, they’re going to stop talking. And that is the last thing you need with teens, trust me. I have raised five that open communication is important. And here is a fun fact. We have a dry erase board up in our house. We have had one for the last 30 years. And you can write notes back and forth to each other on it.

Jen Hardy [00:13:09]:

Especially with boys, as they get older, when they’re not into talking, sometimes they’ll put things up on that board that they need or they want that are just hard to say. So just something to let you know, okay? Because it’s so important in the middle of all this chaos, we all need a lot, and it’s not easy. So getting back to our food metaphor, what is a family kitchen without sous chefs? Okay, so a sous chef is the guy in the kitchen who’s preparing everything, right? Portioning everything out, getting it all ready. And including children in the care of their grandparents is just like making them a sous chef, right? You’re stirring in valuable lessons of empathy, compassion and responsibility. They can help with Grandma’s garden, read a book to Grandpa, make them part of the caregiving team, not with super intense things, but with light tasks that are fostering connection and understanding. Ben by blending these generations together, you’re not just creating a rich family dynamic, but you’re also cultivating qualities in your children that are going to serve them for the rest of their lives. And it’s taking a little bit off of your plate because, let’s face it, you can’t do it alone. And there’s nothing wrong with your kids stepping in and helping.

Jen Hardy [00:14:33]:

Even if grandparents are really sick and it may be a little uncomfortable, that’s part of life. It’s a difficult part of life, but it is. And my kids have been there as I’ve taken care of dying parents. They’ve been there as the parents were dying. And it is not easy, but it’s life. And I just wanted them to be part of my parents lives, no matter where they were at. So then we come to you. You this is going to sound weird, but you’re the mustard in your sandwich.

Jen Hardy [00:15:08]:

Well, no, the self care is the mustard in your sandwich because we don’t want to be mustard. We want to be I don’t know. We want to be the dessert in the meal. That’s what I think. Because we’re sweet and we’re fabulous, but self care is your mustard. It adds zest and sharpness and a tangy kick that brings the whole thing together. Because without self care, things can get bland and sad. And let’s be honest, no one likes a flavorless sandwich.

Jen Hardy [00:15:34]:

So let’s find out how to sprinkle some self care into your daily routine that is probably already stretched pretty darn thin. So the first thing you need to do is recognize your needs, sit down and think about what is it that I want and I need and would make me happy. Because have you ever been so focused on getting something done that you totally forgot to take care of yourself? Yeah. Like those decades in the 90s, it’s essential to recognize that you have needs, too. Maybe you need a break. And sometimes it’s just 15 minutes, right? Just some kind of recreation time to drink a cup of tea. Maybe it’s a two hour long hot bath. It is not selfish.

Jen Hardy [00:16:18]:

I need you to hear this. It’s not selfish. It’s self preservation. If you have got someone in your family who is giving you a hard time about doing things for yourself, you need to tell them that if you want me around and you want me healthy, this is what’s going to have to happen. Because I need a sanity break. That’s it. Okay? Because by adding self care to your daily recipe, you’re going to ensure that those family responsibilities aren’t as overwhelming. Now, what can you do? Well, exercise, for one.

Jen Hardy [00:16:52]:

I know you don’t want one more person telling you how important it is to exercise, but girl, you need to keep that body moving. Move it or lose it, right? So lace up those running shoes or unroll that yoga mat or just take a walk around the block. Do whatever you can to keep your body moving in an efficient way that doesn’t wear you out. Do not forget your social connections. Spend time with friends and family. Sometimes a shared dessert is all you need to sweeten your day. Seriously, as much as you think you have to be with your family every single second, I’m telling you that if you don’t take a little time away, how can they miss you if you won’t go away, right? You’re going to feel so much better, and you’re going to have so much more to give. So you can also join a support group online or in person.

Jen Hardy [00:17:47]:

All right? Because they’re all going through the same things that you’re going. Again, I’m going to mention the Gold Circle, Jenhardy Net, because we’re not all in the sandwich generation, but a lot of us either are taking care of parents or children or we’ve done one or the other or both at once. We get it. And remember, I’m going to reiterate carve out a me time in the day, whether it’s reading, painting, staring off into space and daydreaming, just have time for yourself. Book it in your schedule, put it on your calendar if you have to get it in there and it can remind you we all have calendars on our phones. Set a 1534 hours thing for yourself, whatever it is that you need. And sometimes if you’re feeling really anxious or depressed or overwhelmed more than you feel like you can handle, there is nothing wrong with getting some professional help. Therapists and counselors can create a personalized plan for you.

Jen Hardy [00:18:51]:

And if you’re not into that though, there’s life coaches, girl, they are all over the place. You can find one that focuses on the thing that you’d like to work on most, okay? Because just like a meal isn’t complete without dessert, your caregiving role is not whole without self care. And there we have it. A full course meal about living in the sandwich generation. Seasoned with love, drizzled with responsibility, and garnished with self care. From recognizing the subtle needs and sometimes not so subtle needs of your aging parents, to raising children, grandchildren, overseeing adult children in this wild and crazy world, we’ve cooked up a feast of insights that I hope have helped because let’s face it, it’s a lot. Okay, so how are you balancing the sweet and salty of caring for parents while raising children? Are you dealing with this? Do you have your own secrets for self care? I would love it if you would respond and let me know because I can share it. I can share it on the website and then the show notes.

Jen Hardy [00:20:00]:

So again, email me jen@jenhardy.net or go to jenhardy. Net and on the front page is links to everything you could ever want because I want to make sure that everything is easy for you. I’m trying to set up a whole system of things to help women over 50. We are overlooked and undervalued in general in our society and I think that needs to stop. It used to be that once we got to this stage, we were valued for our wisdom and our opinions and our knowledge and beauty. There was a beauty in this age and I think we need to get back to that. And if you hear one thing out of this episode, I want you to hear that you’re beautiful inside and out. You’re worth taking time for yourself and having the life that you want.

Jen Hardy [00:20:56]:

You may have responsibilities like being in the sandwich generation that are pulling at you and of course you need to fulfill those responsibilities, but there is nothing wrong with getting help and taking care of yourself. And that’s something that for some reason we weren’t taught. Because another part of being in this sandwich generation is that when we were being raised, parents were in charge. We did what they wanted to do and life was about them. And then something shifted. And then when we had kids, our life was about the kids and they seemed to be more in control and we did things more focused on them, and they had to have the activities and the sports, and we got lost. A lot of us got lost. And it’s time to find yourself.

Jen Hardy [00:21:49]:

It’s time to find yourself again, because your life is not over. You have decades. You have another whole lifetime ahead of you. You have so many things to do and so many things you can do. The world is open, and I just want you to remember that, okay? Okay. So before we go, I want to know if you’re savoring life’s journey, especially now that you’ve reached this amazing milestone of 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 or 90. Oh, my goodness. There’s so much to do.

Jen Hardy [00:22:21]:

Even in your 90s, you’re just the kind of fabulous we’re looking for. Because in this world that is rushing past and changing every single day, I’m inviting you to pause and connect with my community that is, recognizing the beauty of this stage. Because together we’re not just celebrating the milestones and the numbers at all, but the everyday moments that make us truly fabulous. Because fabulous is a state of mind. It can be that you dress up fancy with high heels and pearls and drink champagne on your yacht, or it can be that you’ve got your messy bun or your short hair and your old T shirt and your yoga pants lounging on a ratty old chair. It doesn’t matter if you feel fabulous, that’s what we’re looking for. And if you don’t feel fabulous, that’s what we’re looking for, too. Because I want to help you get there.

Jen Hardy [00:23:11]:

And I just encourage you to join the Gold Circle, $7 a month. Because social media is free. Yes. But in the Gold Circle, we really are your friends. And I don’t sell your information because I’m really into privacy. So there’s a spot for you. And here’s to being fabulous. Over 50 and over whatever age it is, you are valued, and I love you, and I thank you for giving me your time, because time is the most valuable thing you have.

Jen Hardy [00:23:43]:

So thank you for tuning in. Stay tuned and stay fabulous.