Marriage and Menopause – How to Spice Up Your Marriage

Dave Hardy [00:00:11]:

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 podcast where we encourage, inspire, and empower women to find their fabulousness and live the life of their dreams. I’m your host, Jen Hardy. And today, I’m so excited because today, we’re gonna do that by listening to a conversation between me and my husband talking about marriage, marriage after menopause, Different ways that husbands and wives can help each other out, to stay close to each other. We are gonna talk a little bit about sensuality. Not too many details. But if you’ve got children in the car, you may wanna turn this off just because that’s gonna be part of the topic and Because that’s part of married life. And as our bodies are changing and we’re becoming a little bit different people, Maybe empty nesters and dealing with all those things. Those topics matter.

Dave Hardy [00:01:06]:

They matter a lot. And so in this men’s perspective series, this isn’t a topic that I’ve wanted to talk to other men about because I don’t feel comfortable with that. So I’m talking to Dave, And I know you’re gonna like listening to this. He is just such an amazing man, and I love him so much. And I’m so glad that you get to join us in this conversation. Alright. So this is so exciting because I get to Reintroduce Dave. We talked a long time ago about health and dealing with a spouse and health needs.

Dave Hardy [00:01:41]:

And if you want to look into that, you can go back and check that out. But today, we’re gonna talk about something a little bit different. We’re gonna talk about our relationship, Specifically, how it relates to aging and as I’m going through menopause. And we’re gonna touch a little bit on sensuality without oversharing or giving you TMI Because that’s not what the show’s about. So, Dave, can you introduce yourself and tell a little bit about you?

Jen Hardy [00:02:08]:

Hi. I’m Dave. I’m Jen’s husband. Been married now almost well, a little over 15 years, fifteen and a half, I would say. Retired military. We moved here together four and a half years ago, and yeah. And I am retired, and we are living our best life together here.

Dave Hardy [00:02:34]:

And I think one one really cool thing that we did, because when we got married and we knew Dave was deploying to Iraq, We had a very special couple’s weekend that we got to go to, and we learned a lot on that weekend. And they had us do a whole lot of things, and I think I’m just gonna jump right into the whole Well, hold on. We’ll put a pin in that because that’s that’s later in the episode. Sorry. So before we get to that, because it’s dealing with sensuality, Let’s talk about bodies because I know for me personally and for a lot of women, you know, over 40, Especially but then I feel like every decade, you know, our body is changing a little bit. We’re gonna talk about that, actually. October is menopause month. And for the rest of October, We’re going to have be having specialists come on.

Dave Hardy [00:03:23]:

Some of my friends are gonna come on, and we’re gonna talk about the 35 symptoms of menopause, How it affects us mentally, physically, sexually, psychologically. But for today, Dave and I are gonna talk about our relationship as it pertains to that because, in speaking to a lot of you, a lot of women are very self conscious. Some husbands leave, and they find younger wives. And that’s an issue that It’s kinda stuck stuck in my head a lot, as someone who comes from Los Angeles where there’s a lot of talk about body positivity, but at the same time, Plastic surgery to change things, and my option has been not to do that. So I thought we’d talk about a little bit about why is it Well, you know, when you married me, I was turning 40, and I had 4 kids. What was it about me that made you overlook all of those things and be willing to jump in with 2 feet to this whole situation.

Jen Hardy [00:04:21]:

I’d I’d to tell you the truth, I don’t know. It just Hit me, you know, when when, you know, when you asked me to dance. And by the time we got done with that first dance and And you are, I was literally shaking because I had never met anyone like you before. So, and at that point, I knew that that There was something special with you, and you were beautiful. So, you know, and then and then I was actually scared to come up and talk to you because with other people, number 1, but, I didn’t know. So with that, I mean, I was because you’re beautiful, and I never had someone that beautiful come out and talk to me before. And I was literally literally shaking with Giddiness and happy. So, the other and I knew it.

Jen Hardy [00:05:13]:

And and no matter what, I mean, no matter what, I was gonna be with you, and I’m not I was gonna take on whatever you had as well. And and you told me you had 4 children, and I had 1. And So we we we made it, and we made it ours. We made it the best that we could, and then we had 2 more after that. So now, you know, there are most of them are all grown. So and I think we did pretty good over the last fifteen and a half years.

Dave Hardy [00:05:38]:

I think so. Yeah. I think something really cool about our story. I asked him to dance, and then We separated for a little while, and then I asked him to get ants again. And after that, we were we have never been apart unless he had to go for work or I went away to see one of my adult kids, we’ve been together every day since the day we met. It’s pretty incredible. We were engaged 6 weeks after we met and married 3 months later, which everyone thought was crazy, especially our children, but we knew. We just there was something about us that just clicked.

Dave Hardy [00:06:08]:

And so I think, you know, if somebody is listening and you’re thinking, okay. But my relationship, it isn’t like that. Like, maybe it’s maybe it’s falling apart a little bit. Maybe, You know, he doesn’t seem as interested. What do you think are some good tips to give to women to help with that? Because I a lot of women are struggling. You know? The kids are leaving their empty nesters. And now, oh my gosh, the 2 of us are living together. We don’t even know who each other is anymore.

Dave Hardy [00:06:33]:

You know? So what are some good ways for women, do you think, to reconnect? Or I don’t know. Because I know I used to Pick at you a lot about a lot of different things. I still am working on that, but I also was very easily offended by everything you said. And I’ve I’ve been working on that, and it was actually Jesse Jackson’s interview. That’s 2 episodes ago. If you haven’t heard it, you need to hear it. He had the best advice where he said, You know you know your spouse is not trying to hurt you. Well, hopefully.

Dave Hardy [00:07:04]:

And so when they say something, don’t jump on getting angry. Like, try to find their perspective. That has really helped me just in these last few weeks. But what are what are some things that you think I don’t know that you maybe see other women that don’t name names, but that, You know, maybe me or that aren’t me do that maybe push away their

Jen Hardy [00:07:23]:

husband. Well, you know, as as as as we all get older, Right? Things change. You know? And then we all have, you know, self esteem issues, personally, but that’s not necessarily what your partner, your spouse, Thinks about you. For me, you’re are you’re you’re beautiful. You’re you’re you’re you’re gorgeous, You know? And I want you every day. You know? And that’s me. So and That’s that’s that’s it. So so with as as as on the woman’s side, you know, you may think, oh, I’m This or stuff’s sagging or why do I look this way? Your husband who married you Said, till death do us part, and most of us actually mean that.

Jen Hardy [00:08:20]:

For those who don’t, they’re Whatever. We’re not gonna say what they are. So with that, I mean, they they they see you as in the same day that they married you, And I see you the same day that I’m married. And I took that oath and said I do.

Dave Hardy [00:08:38]:

Yeah. And we’ve really been through all those vows. So You know?

Jen Hardy [00:08:44]:

And and same on on the man’s side. I mean, for for me, I mean, I I can, you know, I can Be central and make love to my wife every day if she’d let me. You know, stuff’s sore, and I don’t bounce back the same way I used to, but Still, I still want my wife the same way I did when we got married and before that.

Dave Hardy [00:09:05]:

So Yeah. And, I mean okay. So we’ll we’ll get back to original question a minute, but we we’ll go with this for right now because I think that this is important, the sensual side. Because as you’re going through menopause, You you might not have those feelings that you used to have when you were younger, those passionate feelings that what you know, that happened all the time before. And so something that we’ve discovered that, is massage. Massage is a beautiful way to have that physical connection without Feeling the pressure, you know, of of expecting something at the end. So, you know, if your husband is willing to Let you massage him, knowing that there may not be any expectation for anything besides massager. He can massage you.

Dave Hardy [00:09:52]:

It it gives This amazing sensual touch that you both are craving and that you both need even if you’re not in a sexual mood. Right? And it’s so important, I think, to keep that physical connection no matter what’s happening with your body. It’s important for you. It’s important for him. And Sometimes things arise out of that that you didn’t expect in the beginning. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. But I think, you know, Go up and hold his hand or put your arm around him and because I think the same thing happens for men too is that when women start to feel this way, we start kinda close off, and we Stop reaching out and touching, and that’s when your husband thinks, oh, well, she it’s not about the menopause. She just doesn’t like me anymore.

Dave Hardy [00:10:38]:

I think that’s a dangerous place to go because that’s when they think, well, maybe somebody else would, right, or whatever. And so you just I think being open and being honest. If I’m having a rough day where I don’t feel like being touched, I’ll make sure to say, It’s not you. I’m feeling prickly today. I’m having a rough day. Like, prickly like a porcupine. And then you know, like, you know, it’s not secretly something I’m mad at you about.

Jen Hardy [00:11:04]:

And then I would actually ask, you know, hey. Can I give you a hug, or can I hold you? You know? And and that’s that’s the thing is you have to you know, if you have to communicate that and say I’m feeling prickly, not just Brush off your partner. Okay? You have to do that because if you do, you’re like, okay. What did I do? And this is from a guy’s point. They’re gonna say, okay. What did I do? And you gotta start thinking about all things. Okay. Did I miss something? Did I not do something? You know? And then you’re gonna get really frustrated, And and and that’ll happen.

Jen Hardy [00:11:39]:

And then you’re upset because you think that she’s upset at you for something you didn’t did do, and then it’s just gonna it’s it’s gonna circulate and and and be a continuous circle, and then it’s not gonna blow up. So you don’t want that. So, 1st, you know, from on you’re you’re right on that. You know? I’m feeling prickly. I don’t you know? Just it’s not you. And then you’re okay. Well, you know, When you’re ready, can I hold you? Can I give you a hug? You know, I did that today and or yesterday because yeah. Stressed today or yesterday, it was really bad.

Jen Hardy [00:12:14]:

Anyway Yeah. So, yeah. And then on on the massage portion of it. You know? Okay. We’re guys, you know, and and there might be at a point where you will, You know, you will

Dave Hardy [00:12:29]:

Have feelings.

Jen Hardy [00:12:30]:

Have feelings and get excited. You know? We all know what that means. You know? But if if And and you should be able to tell with your partner on whether or not that she is ready. And if she is ready, then she will let you know, and then you can Proceed proceed with that excitement. But you also have to know how to refrain yourself as well. So so with that, you know, I hate to say it. I I I’m excited if the wind blows right, and she walks in and she walks in the room. So, I mean, that’s me.

Jen Hardy [00:13:03]:

But I I’ve learned to control it and not pressure. And that’s one thing you had to learn is not to pressure your partner.

Dave Hardy [00:13:09]:

Yeah. And so if you’re listening and sometimes you feel pressured. If you’re the woman, then that’s something you really need to communicate, that, You know, having time together, having special time together, being alone, you have to feel safe and comfortable. And if you’re not feeling safe and comfortable, you’re never gonna be in the mood. So you need to be able to talk to your husband about it. And, you know, He may not understand it first, and that’s okay. Just say, you know, this is something I’d like you to think about. I’m struggling with it.

Dave Hardy [00:13:41]:

You know? And always, you know, the blame thing doesn’t get you anywhere. If I say, like, you do this and you are feeling or I whatever, That that’s just gonna make him defensive. Right? And and we’re gonna argue. So but if I say I’m feeling this way and maybe think about in your past. Like, Has something from your past influenced the way you’re feeling today? And I’ve recently realized that a lot of the things that I do are based on things from my past. And so I try to acknowledge it so that I can move on and stop that influencing it now. Because Dave is not my past. Dave is you know? And we’re older.

Dave Hardy [00:14:22]:

We we dated people before we met. We had a history before we met, unfortunately, And I think it’s a good thing whether you need to go to therapy and get over it if it was too big or just acknowledging. Hey. This reminds me of a time when I wasn’t happy. You don’t have to go into details, and that’s why I don’t like it. And, you know, and Dave is really good, because he was trained in the military, you know, when they came home to ask, are you comfortable with me holding you? Are you comfortable? And Sounds silly in a marriage. Like, at first, we were like, this is stupid, but there’s days where it feels really good to have him say, Is it okay? I really you know? And then, you know, not all the time. Obviously, you know, we’re hugging and kissing and stuff all the time without permission.

Dave Hardy [00:15:07]:

But on those days when you’re having a rough day, I think, you know, it’s helpful. Does it feel weird for you to ask?

Jen Hardy [00:15:14]:

No. Not anymore. I did it first. So and it’s like okay. So you know? And if if, you know, she’s had a rough day and And she’s not feeling well, and she’s feeling that prickly feeling. And you guys are about ready to go to bed. Right? And number 1, you you don’t go to bed angry, Okay. With that as well.

Jen Hardy [00:15:32]:

But, like, for me, you know, I’ll roll out and say, hey. Can I hold you? Right. Well, we’re laying down. Mhmm. And, you know, can I hold you for a little bit? You know? And and that right there is just just it will for me, When when I get ahold of my wife because I love holding my wife all the time. It makes me feel warm And just I’m in love with years. I’m just I’m I’m in love with her so much. I have been for 15 and a half years.

Jen Hardy [00:16:05]:

So and I may be a different guy than a lot of other people, but I am who I am. Yeah. And I love you.

Dave Hardy [00:16:14]:

You’re 1 in a 1000000000.

Jen Hardy [00:16:15]:

And so, You know, all these people talk about, oh, well, you know, they’re gonna trade up. You don’t have to trade up because you married a woman for a reason. You don’t have to think about trading up because you have the woman that that you traded up for, that you’re with, that you met and said I’m gonna marry And have the rest of my life

Dave Hardy [00:16:38]:

with. Yeah. And and, you know, a lot of people go through the A time where they think the grass is gonna be greener with somebody else, but it’s not. It’s not. You may have that butterfly thing for a couple months, but It’s not worth giving up your family, giving up the love of your life, the person that was originally the love of your life for. And luckily, you know, we we’ve never had that Because we’re very close, but, you know, talk to somebody. And, you know, it doesn’t even have to be counseling. You can turn to a trusted friend that can talk you as a couple maybe, and just say, hey.

Dave Hardy [00:17:13]:

You know, we’re going through this thing or whatever to get through it because You’re married, and especially if you’ve got kids, that’s a whole thing. Now if you’re in an abusive situation, that’s a whole other situation. Don’t stay in that. But but, you know, the love we we have this passionate love that we’ve had for 15 But even inside that passion, there’s there’s times where it’s, like, overflowing like a tidal wave, and there’s time where the tide is a little bit low Because life happens, but you just have to stay focused, I think, and just just remember what it was that you fell in love with him for. And when you see him the next time, think about all the great things he does And focus on those, because the little things like the toilet seat or leaving your coffee cup on the counter and whatever, None of that matters when you’re talking about growing old together and taking care of each other and having someone to love for the rest of your life. None of that matters.

Jen Hardy [00:18:17]:

So yeah. You’re 100% correct. In everything you just said, I love you.

Dave Hardy [00:18:22]:

I love you too. Do you have any

Jen Hardy [00:18:23]:

parting words? Any words of wisdom? Just let your husband, Fiance, boyfriend, whatever, listen to this, and just see if he’ll actually listen. That’s all. And, guys, you just need to listen. And don’t be, you know, don’t be the pressure guy. Don’t be a pressure guy because it doesn’t get you anywhere, and it feels achy, and it feels achy to her. And then she’ll have you know? And then she’ll be out loud. You know? All he wants to do is this all the time. You know? And don’t forget Don’t forget to say I love you because that is a lot, and don’t forget to show it.

Jen Hardy [00:19:06]:

You know? If she’s doing something, just Go up and hug her. Now she’ll let you know if you’d you know, she’s feeling prickly or whatever, but just do it. You know? Buy a rose every once in a while or, You know, just give her a hug for no reason. Take her out for no reason. Show her that you love her And vice versa. That’s all.

Dave Hardy [00:19:28]:

Perfect. We’ll end on that, and stay tuned because next month is menopause month. Woo hoo. But, no, seriously, we’re gonna have fun with it. I promise. So thanks for listening. Stay tuned, and stay fabulous.

and thank you for listening to “Marriage and Menopause – how to keep the spark alive!” Dave has some good advice for a great marriage for men too!