Got Baggage? Turn that Baggage Into Luggage!

Jen hardy 00:00:11

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 Podcast. Today, my guest is going to help you see that whatever you have in the past is in the past and that it’s time to move forward and that it’s really okay to leave the things that happened before in the past. And for some of us, this harder than others. And if you’re thinking, yeah, whatever, what I’ve done, I can’t leave in the past. Or, you know, every once in a while, you just think of things and you’re like, oh, and it’s hard to let go. This is the episode. Or if you just feel like something’s a little off and you can’t figure out what it is, check this out. Donna’s story is an incredible story. She is very transparent in sharing what’s happened to her and how she’s overcome, and it is amazing. So without further ado, here she is. Donna, thank you so much for joining me today.

Donna Tashjian

00:01:16

Hello, Jen. We have been looking forward to this.

Jen hardy

00:01:19

Yeah, it’s been a while, and I am so excited. There is something so we met at a place called Podmatch, and the first thing that you have in there is talking about turning your baggage into luggage. And I know if people are 50, we have got some kind of baggage. I mean, maybe there’s a point, something percent that don’t have anything they’re carrying with them. But I know personally, definitely I’ve been working on letting things go. So can you talk about that a little bit just right out of the gate? Because I think that’s so exciting.

Donna Tashjian

00:01:53

Yes, to turn our baggage into luggage, I have some specific steps that I recommend. But I will say before I start talking about the steps, we all want a McDonald’s solution, a drive through solution. And we also know by the time we’re 50 that that’s not the case. So we also know that. But learning how to transform the things that have happened to us, to create a life that we really love is one of my passions. It is a reason why I began Vibrant Living International is to help us do that a little bit. Just about my story, if I may, so people can get a frame of reference. Currently, I am living in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I have been married at the time of this recording, a little over 38 years and three married children and seven grandkids. And we live out in the country. We have a pond. We have dogs running around. So that’s me. But I didn’t start there. At the age of 14, I had a traumatic event occurred. I became pregnant, and it wasn’t consensual. And so for any of us who have had any kind of sexual abuse or trauma, it’s funny how we can talk about it and just kind of gloss over it and all those things. But the insecurities for whatever happens to us, generally speaking, women deal with insecurity, lack of confidence not speaking our mind, people pleasing, making everybody else happy, all of those kind of things. So the first step for turning our baggage into luggage is to begin to look for the gift in the adversity. And it’s not that you haven’t necessarily heard this before, but I want us to do it intentionally to look at the different areas. I have four things that I’ll be sharing. To look at it intentionally and say, what can I learn? Baggage thinking is it’s wrong, it’s not fair. Someone needs to pay. Anger, resentment, all of those things are baggage thinking. In my mind, luggage thinking is, I am going to use this to grow and become the best me I can be. Beginning to look for what we can grow. I heard a story that illustrates this. Because these gifts are wrapped in sandpaper, they’re not in pretty bows. They rub us the wrong way and things like that. And I heard a story that illustrates this idea of looking for the gift. Of course, it is not true. I’ll just preface that. Two kids were put in rooms full of manure. And one child sat down this child was probably me and began to cry. My life is full of you get the picture? And my life is ruined. It just stinks and so on and so forth. Well, the other little child knocked on the door and said, can I get a shovel? They said, sure, what do you want to shovel for? I call it a girl. And she said, well, with this much manure, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere. And so that’s an example of beginning to look for the gift.

Jen hardy

00:05:59

I like that a lot. Yeah. And sometimes looking for the gift is hard.

Donna Tashjian

00:06:09

It is. I said it was in sandpaper. This does not feel good. We don’t want to do it. At least I didn’t.

Jen hardy

00:06:17

Yeah.

Donna Tashjian

00:06:18

To begin to look for that. I mean, there’s so many things that we have regrets that we think, I should be in a different place. I didn’t think I would be here. And all of those kind of things I like to say instead, nothing is wasted. Everything that’s ever happened can be utilized. If I begin to shift my perspective for looking for the gift, I’m not saying it’s easy and I’m not saying that things were right or handled. I mean, I don’t know what you listening have been through. We haven’t talked yet. But beginning to look for that perspective shift changes a lot of things.

Jen hardy

00:07:07

And that’s hard to do with something. I mean, what happened to you was huge. Yeah. That’s one of the I think one of the biggest things, the whole package of what happened that could ever happen to a woman or a girl. And so the fact that you could get past it at all, that is a tribute to your strength. I just have to point that out there. Right there. Because I think it’s important. And I think, like you said, there’s a reason for everything. And so is it horrible? Yes. But also when I look at some of the things that happened to me, now, I can help other people. And would I go back and let it happen? No. Even though I like helping other people. But if we can reframe it right and say it did happen, though, and I’m going to choose to let this be a good thing for Philip Blank, it’s not.

Donna Tashjian

00:08:03

That what I’m saying that happened to me was a good thing at all, but I am going to use it to grow and to become better and stronger. And I don’t even usually say there’s a reason for everything, but we can utilize things that happen to us and they end up working for our good. I know where my strength comes from. If I had been all the labels and words that were spoken well, can you imagine? I’m 15 with a baby. All the things that were said that were not encouraging words, and people speaking when they don’t even know how this occurred or anything. We grew up in the generation it didn’t matter why you were pregnant, if you were pregnant and you weren’t married, it wasn’t okay. So there was a lot of that. And learning how to begin to look for that. One of the ways is when we have those kind of things, is to keep a bigger picture in mind. And even when we have hit our fifty s to remember that. Have you ever thought, I did it’s like, oh my God, half of my life is over, or more than half. And it’s like, what have I got to look forward to? But on the other hand, I don’t care if it’s ten years or 20 years or 30 years or 40 or you live to be 100. It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, let’s do it to the fullest. Which is why you’re doing this podcast is I think being 50 is fabulous too. And why shouldn’t we do it to the best? One of the biggest keys to letting go of baggage is also none of these did I say are super easy. But this one is really misunderstood and it’s forgiveness and compassion for others. Now you know what happened to me, and someone is now telling me to forgive.

Jen hardy

00:10:13

Right?

Donna Tashjian

00:10:15

So when I say this, I’m saying it from a place that I don’t know what’s happened to you that are listening here, but I’m not just saying I got a hangnail, that there was some deep level of forgiveness. And forgiveness is so misunderstood. The things that I hear are things like I shouldn’t forgive. They’re not even sorry. Or what’s? Another one? In some situations, if I say I’m sorry, it means I have to trust them and they’ll probably do it again. And what do you mean forgive them? If that’s saying that what they did is okay, it wasn’t okay. It’s all of those kind. And that’s not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness sets me free and learning how to realize that I am no longer going to let that have power over me by releasing forgiving letting go whatever words resonate best. And when it is serious trauma, one of the things I’ve learned is forgiveness is like peeling an onion. You take off a layer and you cry and maybe that’s all you can do right now. And then it seems to come up again. Something seems to bug you again. And I’ve heard women say, well, I forgave, why is this coming up again? And the analogy is we’re going deeper. We’re taking another layer of the onion off, you’ll probably cry again. But we’re going deeper healing because when it’s severe trauma, it isn’t overnight. I just said I forgive and everything is all better. It’s a process that I learned to embrace and walk through. It’s a journey of wholeness, it’s a journey of joy and looking for that in every circumstance.

Jen hardy

00:12:27

Well, and I appreciate that so much because I’ve had trauma more than I would like to talk about. And I was talking about something and something had come up and I said oh, but it still is upsetting. And the person said oh, then you never actually forgave in the first place. And I’m like no, but I did and I felt really peaceful about it. But what you’re saying makes so much sense because sometimes things will still hit me from far in the past. Absolutely, I’d completely let go. But I like that onion analogy because yeah, it’s a little different. It’s a piece of the puzzle. And I think too, maybe you found this, maybe you can answer this. I don’t have all the memories at the same time because I think we’ve been made like this because we can’t handle it all with some of those huge things. So I will address what I can remember but then I might get another piece of that. I think that’s so helpful. What you’re saying is with that too.

Donna Tashjian

00:13:33

Yeah. I remember I went back to the place and encountered around the family and things that this had happened and I woke up from a sleep, I was sound asleep, woking up, sobbing. And I am thinking at that point when this occurred, it had been 40 years and I’m going this has been 40 years and then I’m mad and then I’m angry and then I’m judging myself you should be over this and I know better. All the things when I got back to my home and I called my coach and we worked through this and it was just and I knew the onion story but I’m still reacting as if this is not okay. And learning how to be able to allow yourself to be greater healing and there is so much condemnation, I’m already feeling bad. And then now you haven’t. Well, you really didn’t forgive. I’ve heard that too. It’s a bunch of I hate bull. I’m like call it I was like, that’s not true. And you have no right to judge my journey, first of all, but learning to be able to realize that at the level I am, I forgive with my whole heart. And then I go along and in my words, god heals my heart some more. And then some point he thinks I’m ready to be more healed. Something happens. And if I embrace it as I’m learning and growing and getting stronger, it’s so much easier than the place where I started to go. Judgment and condemnation and anger and resentment, all of those things don’t help it to go smoother. And it’s a big key to it’s. Why I created a coaching program for this, because in a half hour, 45 minutes on a podcast, you know, we can’t touch everything everybody’s facing, right?

Jen hardy

00:15:52

But those are some tips and that’s really good. And we’ll have links to where people can contact you in the show notes and on the website because if you’re listening and you’re thinking, I am in this and I can’t let go, I’m really struggling. Donna has got some great help for you. So we definitely have those links so they can get to you and the.

Donna Tashjian

00:16:13

Other one that I’ll share today, and then we can see where this conversation heads is. Get support, get some kind of help. I don’t know what your response was, but my response was I might have been in a room full of people, but I was all by myself because my walls were so thick. And we’re present, but we’re not present and we don’t really share and we don’t really talk, but we need and when we’re injured, we isolate somehow. If you can’t do it physically, you do it emotionally. And so learning how to get the right support, I’m not talking about our well meaning friends who said you didn’t really forgive because they generally most of the time are well meaning, but get a coach. I got my deepest healing and set free when I got a coach. And a coach is different than a counselor. But we won’t go into that today as well. So don’t go it alone. Don’t be a dyer. I’m sure you’ve seen the things where people have tried to create something from Pinterest and it looks nothing like the image that they saw on Pinterest. And that’s the way our self help things are. We get books, we go watch a webinar, we do all of this and then we try to take that information and figure out how to apply it. And there is a difference, a vast difference from knowledge, because we are in dated with knowledge, tons of information everywhere. But wisdom, wisdom on how to apply it to your life is what is missing. Because we can’t grow and heal and move forward at the same level of thinking that we were. So getting a coach, getting support, whatever that looks like for you, will be the difference between changing the way that you’re thinking and applying wisdom so that it’s pinpointed directly to what’s going on in your life.

Jen hardy

00:18:32

Yeah. And that’s brilliant advice. That really is in the pinterest analogy. That’s perfect because it’s true. You can read a book, and there’s some great books out there telling you how to feel better and how to let go and all that, but it’s not the same if you’re really knee deep in it and you’ve got those walls up. It is not the same to read a book as it is to work with someone, because I just did that last month and I literally changed my life. It changed my life, and I read the book that they use, but it wasn’t at all the same experience. To read it and then to go through it with someone who had been through similar things to me, had those walls up, was disconnected from other people. In fact, I was just on a podcast right before we talked, and I was telling the story of how I used to live up on this hill in the country, like you do, and I had two girls and two boys, and my life looked so perfect, and there was someone at church and they were so sad. And I said, oh, my gosh, once you come over, let’s talk. We’ll go out to coffee. And she looked at me and she said, I’m not going to talk to you. Your life is so perfect, you would have no idea what I’m going through. It makes me cry.

Donna Tashjian

00:19:49

Yes.

Jen hardy

00:19:50

Because I was so closed off and I was so isolated emotionally. And now I look back and I’m like, oh, I just want to find her and hold her hand.

Donna Tashjian

00:20:04

Yes.

Jen hardy

00:20:05

And so I think, not just for us do we need to get help, but for the people around us. Because I know when I helped myself, my kids even started feeling better and my relationship with my husband was better.

Donna Tashjian

00:20:18

It affects everything.

Jen hardy

00:20:19

It does. If you’re teetering on the edge of, do I need to get help? Do I not need to get help? I think you try it, and if it doesn’t work, but it does, it makes your whole life better.

Donna Tashjian

00:20:30

It does. And I’ve been there and had similar things, and it’s one of the reasons why I boldly lead with abbreviated story, because that’s the first thing people look at your life now and say, who are you to tell me kind of a thing? And when I start really getting meeting meeting with women, and I start really sharing, and I’m like, this is how I felt. How do you feel? And when we get really vulnerable, that’s when real connection is made anyway. But there is a level of healing that has to take place for us to be able to be safe, to feel like we can do that. But yes, I’ve been there in similar situations and helping people.

Jen hardy

00:21:29

So what made you decide to do this?

Donna Tashjian

00:21:36

It’s kind of like it’s what I’ve always done. It isn’t necessarily something that I decided to do. Everywhere I went while I was raising my kids, working in nonprofit organizations, I would always find myself with women, and they would say, I can’t believe I’m telling you this, whatever it was. And the other thing that occurs almost every time I talk with women is we cry, and we always apologize. I’m sorry I’m crying. And I’m like, Why do we say that? Why do we say we’re sorry? One of my coaches said, the best analogy is when the heart is touched, the eyes leak. And I love that. Doesn’t it make feeling like tears are okay? It’s like, I don’t have to apologize. So I have always my daughter youngest daughter said, mom, there was always women on the couch crying. It’s just one of her memories. You were always helping people. So anyway, about ten years ago, I had one of those moments. I was in my last part of my 40s. It’s like, what do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? I was feeling lost. Anybody listening ever feel lost? They don’t know where they’re doing who am I? All of those feelings, and it’s like, what am I good at? And how do I do that? And so it was one of those moments, and that’s a longer story, but Vibrant Living was born out of that soul searching, and that’s when I hired my first coach. I had had people speaking into my life, but I don’t know about you, but the first time I hired a coach, I’m like, wow, am I worth that much? That kind of thing is not that they’re not, but am I worth that kind of investment? And the transformation that occurred through that short process, it was a short period of time, really. So Vibrant Living was born out of all of that. And I named it Vibrant Living International when I didn’t know if anybody in my town would talk to me. Now, I’ve had a podcast for five years, and I’ve got clients around the world every week. I seem like I talked to somebody in another country. What was it? Yesterday or kakastan. I can’t remember how to say it, but somewhere near Russia.

Jen hardy

00:24:13

That’s amazing.

Donna Tashjian

00:24:16

It’s just vision and following it. How did it happen? One step at a time. Just one step at a time.

Jen hardy

00:24:25

That’s great. That is great. Yeah, see, I remember that when I growing up. Why am I telling you this? I never tell anyone that. Why am I telling you this? And then we end up with a podcast, right? So that people can tell their stories, because we like hearing their stories, and we want to help them. That’s what I want to do. I want to help people understand that just because you’re 50 does not mean you’re over. And when you see a lot of women that I’ve talked to lately just feel like they’re done. What do I have left? And it’s a whole start. I don’t know. I’m starting over and I have so many great things and so many great things I want to do, and I want everyone to just jump on the bandwagon and get excited.

Donna Tashjian

00:25:07

And I’ve done. I’ve done studies. And more millionaires are made between 55 and 75 than the rest of all of the years. There is more success, there’s more patents, there’s more all kinds of creative things that happen after 50 until whenever they don’t limit it on the age. It’s a completely opposite of the way we are actually feeling. It’s all over, and it’s not it’s really a beginning. Like you said, I’m not a numbers girl. I’m a heart girl. So my husband will always say, what was the cost? I’m like, I have to write down numbers. I don’t remember numbers, but I remember faces and I remember stories, but the numbers were incredibly high. Do your research, google that and see how many people because it’s all in our perspective. Nothing in our life is wasted. And if we can utilize all of the wisdom that we currently have to do whatever is in our passion, it’s possible. It is totally possible.

Jen hardy

00:26:17

I think one of the steps, though, that you need to do is feel your worth. Because if you don’t feel like you’re worthwhile, then you’re not going to be able to go do anything or help anybody else or whatever until you get over that. Which is why we’re talking, right? Because you need to let go of all those voices. I think that’s the thing. Not schizophrenia voices. That’s not what I’m talking about, but the voices from people in your past, and they may have been well meaning, loving people. I know I said some things to my children who are adult children in the past that if I could go back, I wouldn’t say them because at the time I felt like I was helping them, right? Because I was raised to be like, hard, like rock hard. That’s how you’re supposed to be, right? And so I raised my kids like that. But then it comes to find out maybe that wasn’t the best. In fact, it wasn’t at all the best. And I wish I hadn’t had been rock hard for so long. And so it’s okay to find ways, like talk to Donna or find your thing so that you can let go of all those voices in your head that are telling you the lies you’ve been thinking your whole life, because all the things that tell you you’re not worth it or all those they’re not true.

Donna Tashjian

00:27:31

I call it stopping identity theft. And I’m not talking about your credit card. All of the things that you’re worthless. You’re not good at that. You’re not good at that. And it might be something I mean, think about how many people who’ve written a book and had it rejected or wrote a movie and had it rejected or sung a song, and I’m a fan of the voice and all those kind of how many times those people were rejected and told, you’re not you can’t sing. What are you talking about? And they didn’t let it stop them. And one of my favorite definitions of rejection, it’s just somebody’s opinion. It doesn’t make it true. Think about how many different kinds of music there is, and someone may like rock and roll, and someone might like country, and the other one’s telling the other one that they’re stupid.

Jen hardy

00:28:29

Right?

Donna Tashjian

00:28:30

And all it is, is a matter of opinion. The same thing with hairstyles and clothing and the way we do things and the way we put dishes in the dishwasher or whatever it is. It’s just somebody’s opinion on how it should be done. It doesn’t make it truth. And so when we have let somebody’s opinion become our truth, who we really are seems to die.

Jen hardy

00:28:55

Well, that’s just a gold nugget right there. That is. So if you’re listening, I need you to rewind that. Listen to that one more time, because it’s true.

Donna Tashjian

00:29:08

Absolutely so important.

Jen hardy

00:29:09

And I think because we’re at the age we are, we’ve heard those voices for so long, it can be really hard to let them go. But you are not those negative things that you’ve been told you’re not. And if there are some parts of it that you feel are truth, you can let you you have time to let that go.

Donna Tashjian

00:29:28

Yeah.

Jen hardy

00:29:29

You know, let it let it go and become the person that you want to be, because you’ve got decades.

Donna Tashjian

00:29:36

You know?

Jen hardy

00:29:36

I mean, my doctors told me I wouldn’t be here in 2018 more than a year, and it’s 2023, and I’m still here. So no matter what you think or what you’re dealing with, you can’t give up, because what if I had given up? That is awesome. Well, thank you so much, Donna. I think you have given us some amazing words of wisdom, and I am so glad that you’ve joined me today. Thank you so much.

Donna Tashjian

00:30:03

One of my favorite declarations addresses what you just said is, when we feel like that, maybe we did make too many mistakes in our life, and it is my past does not determine my future, and our past could be five minutes ago. And when I begin to say that my past does not determine my future, I can create a different future than that. It is one of my favorites. I still use it today to be able to encourage myself that I can be more, that I can do more, that I can be me and discover who that is. It’s a really fun journey to discover.

Jen hardy

00:30:48

Yeah.

Donna Tashjian

00:30:51

So I just wanted to close with that.

Jen hardy

00:30:54

That’s awesome. Well thank you so much and thank you so much for joining me today, I really appreciate your time.

Donna Tashjian

00:31:00

My pleasure.

Jen hardy

00:31:03

Wow, that was incredible, wasn’t it? And I just want to check in with you and see how are you doing. I would love to hear from you. You can message me, jen@genhardy.net contact. Also, I am putting together a brand new thing that is a daily video email. It’s going to be an encouraging email that goes out every single day for women over 50. Now some women over 50 don’t have a lot of people in their lives talking to them. Maybe they’re older and they’re feeling really lonely or maybe since the last few years you’ve just struggled a little bit. Because I know I was really struggling for a while and I’ve found some people to surround myself with that have really helped me elevate things and make it a lot better. So I am now going to turn around and gift that to a bunch of other people because I think it’s so important that every day you know that somebody cares, somebody’s checking in and that’s why the video. Because I feel like we get all these emails every day that come into our inbox, but I want to be there with you, encouraging you, lifting you up, and then you can always respond to the email back to me as well. So go to hardy and you will see it and it’s going to be amazing. So join me on this new incredible journey. Make sure you tune in again next week. Stay tuned and stay fabulous.