From Betrayal to Breakthrough: the Secrets of Healing revealed

From betrayal to breakthrough

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 Podcast! My guest today is Dr. Debi Silber, and we’re here to talk about a subject that doesn’t sound very fabulous – betrayal. Betrayal is something that most of us have experienced at some point in our lives, and for women over 50, the impacts of betrayal can be especially traumatic. But Dr. Debi Silber has a solution. Through her research, she’s discovered the Post Betrayal Transformation system – a five-step system designed to help anyone heal from betrayal and rebuild their life. In this blog, I’ll outline how Dr. Debi Silber did it in detail, so stay tuned!

About Dr. Debi Silber

Joining us for this discussion is Dr. Debbie Silber. After experiencing a painful betrayal from her family, Dr. Silber decided to focus her PhD studies in transpersonal psychology on the psychology of transformation and human potential. She conducted a study on betrayal and its potential link to our health, which led to three groundbreaking discoveries. She went on to found the PBT Institute to help people move through the five stages from betrayal to break through. Tune in to

Why is it important to understand the impacts of betrayal on women over 50?

Betrayal can have a devastating impact on any individual, regardless of age. However, for women over 50, the effects of betrayal can be particularly devastating due to the unique context in which they experience it. This is due to the fact that women over 50 have already gone through many life events, including raising children, caring for aging parents, and establishing a career. As a result, they often have a strong sense of who they are and how they are perceived in their social and professional circles. If a woman in this age group experiences betrayal, it can be incredibly damaging to her self-esteem and sense of security. Understanding the impacts of betrayal on women over 50 is important because it can help them to identify their feelings and develop strategies to cope with the situation. Furthermore, it can increase awareness of the unique challenges that women in this age group experience, as well as the unique ways in which betrayal can affect them. Finally, understanding the impacts of betrayal on women over 50 can help to create a supportive environment where individuals can openly discuss their experiences and develop strategies to move forward with their lives.

Here are the steps you need to follow:
1. Recognize the symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome.
2. Understand that healing from betrayal is possible.
3. Follow the five stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough.
4. Let go of small self benefits.
5. Grieve the loss.
6. Find and adjust to a new normal.
7. Rebuild your life and yourself.

1. Recognize the symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome.
Recognize the symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome Post Betrayal Syndrome (PBS) is a serious mental health condition that can arise after the experience of a traumatic betrayal. It can manifest in a variety of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms. These symptoms can include constant revisiting of the experience, feeling a loss of personal power, hypervigilance, low energy, sleep issues, extreme fatigue, weight changes, digestive issues, feeling overwhelmed, walking around in a state of disbelief, inability to focus, shock, extreme sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety, stress, and difficulty trusting and forming relationships. The best way to recognize the symptoms of PBS is to take a post betrayal syndrome quiz, which can be found on the PBT Institute website. This quiz can help identify the symptoms of PBS and can help to determine the severity of the condition. It is important to note that these symptoms may arise even after a betrayal that occurred several years ago and may still be present if not properly addressed. If you think you may be suffering from PBS, it is important to speak to a qualified mental health professional who can provide the necessary support and help you through the healing process.

It is also important to be aware of the potential triggers of PBS, such as seeing the person who betrayed you, hearing about a similar experience, or even thinking about the betrayal. These triggers can lead to a relapse of the symptoms of PBS and can make healing more difficult. Therefore, it is important to identify and avoid triggers, as well as practice healthy coping skills to help manage the stress associated with the betrayal. If you or someone you know is suffering from PBS, it is important to seek professional help. A qualified mental health professional can provide support and help to address the underlying issues that caused the betrayal as well as help to develop healthy coping skills. With the right support and guidance, it is possible to heal from betrayal and to reclaim your sense of self and power.

2. Understand that healing from betrayal is possible.
Understanding that healing from betrayal is possible is key in the recovery process. In order to understand that healing is possible, one must first recognize that betrayal is a unique trauma- it is more personal than other traumas because it feels intentional and it shatters our worldview and our sense of self. To heal, one must go through the five stages of healing- before the betrayal, shock and trauma, survival instincts, finding a new normal and transformation. During the shock and trauma stage, the body and mind experience chaos and overwhelm. It is in the survival instincts stage that one can get stuck- they can become comfortable in this stage because of the small self benefits, like getting to be right and receiving sympathy, and will start to plant deeper roots. This is why it is important to recognize that healing is possible and to keep moving through the stages of healing in order to reach the transformation stage, where one can rebuild their life and themselves.

The transformation stage is where the real healing begins. It is here that one can revisit the trauma and hurt from the betrayal and begin to forgive, heal and move forward. The process of healing from betrayal is not easy and is often unpredictable, so it is important to have a strong support system to help guide and support you on the journey. Having a therapist and/or support group can be incredibly helpful during this time, as they can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to process your emotions. It can also be helpful to reach out to close friends and family who can be a listening ear and provide a shoulder to cry on. Remember that healing is possible, and that no matter what, you are never alone.

3. Follow the five stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough.
Step 3 of the process is following the five stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. This process was discovered by Dr. Debbie Silver after she experienced two painful betrayals in her life. The five stages are: 1) Before the experience, 2) Shock and trauma, 3) Survival instincts emerge, 4) Finding and adjusting to a new normal, and 5) Transformation. The first stage is Before the Experience and is all about recognizing where you are in life before the betrayal occurs. This stage is focused on the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your life. It involves understanding how you are leaning on the physical and mental while neglecting the emotional and spiritual. The second stage is Shock and Trauma. This is when the betrayal occurs and the body, mind, and worldview are affected. It is important to note that this is the most common place to get stuck in because once you figure out how to survive the trauma, you may be content and not recognize that there are more stages to the process of healing. The third stage is Survival Instincts Emerge. This involves doing anything to stay safe and alive. This is also the part of the process where people can get stuck in because of the small self-benefits they may receive from staying in this stage such as having a story, being right, and getting sympathy from others. The fourth stage is Finding and Adjusting to a New Normal

The fourth stage is about finding and adjusting to a new normal. This is where the healing truly begins. During this stage, individuals become aware of their triggers and how to manage them. They learn to take responsibility for their own healing and to forgive the betrayer in order to move forward. They also explore the idea of letting go and accepting the new normal that arises from the betrayal. The fifth and final stage is Transformation. This is when the individual has fully healed and is ready to move forward in life. As they move forward, they use their newfound courage and strength to help others who have experienced betrayal. This stage is also a time when individuals have re-established their personal boundaries and can move forward with a sense of joy, peace, and hope.

4. Let go of small self benefits.
Let go of small self benefits: Letting go of small self benefits is an important step in the process of getting past betrayal. This step comes in the fifth stage of post betrayal transformation, which is the process of rebuilding your life and yourself after an experience with betrayal. This stage is focused on breaking through to a new normal and letting go of the old ways of thinking and being. In order to move forward, one must let go of the small self benefits that have been keeping them stuck in the past. These include getting validation from others, telling the same story over and over again, and seeking sympathy from those around them. They must also let go of the need to be right and the attachment to their story of betrayal. It is important to acknowledge that the betrayal cannot be undone and that they can only control what they do with it. This may involve grieving the loss and accepting that things will never be the same again. When they let go of the small self benefits and move forward, they will be able to find a new normal and create a new story.

One way to let go of these small self benefits is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding towards yourself, which can help you to heal and move on from your experience with betrayal. It is also important to practice self-care and give yourself permission to take time to heal. This can include activities like journaling, meditation, and connecting with supportive friends and family. Additionally, it is important to practice forgiveness, both of yourself and of the person who betrayed you. This can help you let go of any anger or resentment you may be feeling, and can help you move onto a place of acceptance and understanding. Finally, it is important to remember that you are not alone in your journey to letting go of small self benefits. There are many support systems available, such as therapy, support groups, and online forums, that can be beneficial in this process. By engaging in these support systems, you can find comfort, understanding, and guidance from others who have gone through similar experiences. By letting go of small self benefits, you can move forward and find a new normal.

5. Grieve the loss.
The fifth step in the process of healing from betrayal is to grieve the loss. Dr. Debbie Silver emphasizes that betrayal is a unique type of trauma that can have lasting effects and can be carried for a lifetime if not healed intentionally. In order to grieve the loss, it is helpful to remember the four legs of a table which are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. All of these need to be addressed in order to heal from betrayal. Grieving the loss is a difficult process, but it is necessary in order to move forward and begin the healing process. It is important to take time to process the emotions associated with the betrayal and to recognize the impact it has had on your life. It is also important to allow yourself to express the sadness, anger, and hurt associated with the betrayal. This may involve talking to a friend or family member, or seeking professional help. Taking the time to grieve the loss is the first step towards healing and can be a powerful tool in allowing yourself to move on and trust again.

Practice self-compassion. In the journey to heal from betrayal, it is important to practice self-compassion. This means being kind to yourself and recognizing that you are doing the best you can in the situation. This might mean taking time for yourself to do something you enjoy, such as reading a book or taking a bath. It might also mean reaching out for help from a friend or a professional. Practicing self-compassion is a way of showing yourself the same love and care you would show to a friend, and it can be a powerful tool in fostering resilience and healing. 7. Find ways to forgive. Ultimately, forgiveness is an important part of healing from betrayal. It is important to recognize that forgiveness is a process, and it is not always easy. It may take time to get to a place of forgiveness, but it is important to recognize that it is possible. Forgiveness is not condoning the betrayal, but instead it is a way of releasing the pain and hurt associated with the betrayal. Finding a way to forgive can be a powerful tool in allowing yourself to move forward and heal.

6. Find and adjust to a new normal.
Step 6 is to find and adjust to a new normal. This step is an important part of recovering from betrayal – allowing yourself to move on and not stay stuck in the trauma. The first step is to acknowledge that you can’t undo what happened, but you can control what you do with it. This can be a difficult step and requires a lot of self-reflection and courage. The second step is to let go of the small self benefits and grieve more in the loss. Allowing yourself to feel the emotions associated with the betrayal and learn from them is essential in order to move on. Once you have identified the emotions and their source, you can then begin to process them and address any underlying issues. The third step is to find a new normal. This may require making some changes to your life, such as finding new friends or hobbies, or setting boundaries in relationships. This step is about allowing yourself to be open to new possibilities and creating a space for yourself to heal and grow. It is also important to focus on self-care and do things that make you happy. This will help you to create a new normal that is healthy and fulfilling.

The fourth step is to focus on forgiveness. This is often the most difficult step, as it requires you to forgive yourself and the person who betrayed you. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing the betrayal, but rather it is a way of releasing yourself from the pain and suffering caused by the betrayal. It is also a way of freeing yourself from the cycle of anger and resentment that can trap you in the past. The fifth and final step is to practice self-compassion. This means being kind to yourself and understanding that you are capable of healing and growing. It is important to recognize the strength and courage it takes to move on and forgive. Self-compassion also means being gentle with yourself and giving yourself permission to make mistakes. It is essential to recognize that healing from betrayal is a difficult and ongoing process, and it is important to be patient and compassionate with yourself.

7. Rebuild your life and yourself.
Rebuilding your life and yourself after a betrayal is a process that requires commitment and patience. The first step is to recognize the signs of post betrayal syndrome, which includes physical, mental, and emotional symptoms. It is important to note that these symptoms can follow you for a lifetime if you don’t actively work to heal. The second step is to recognize that healing from betrayal is a process that is mapped out in five stages. The first stage is before the experience and involves a heavy lean on physical and mental activities while neglecting emotional and spiritual wellbeing. The second stage is shock and trauma, which is when the body, mind, and worldview is shattered. The third stage is survival instincts, which is when you do everything you can to stay safe and stay alive. It is easy to get stuck in this stage because of the small self benefits you can get from it. The fourth stage is finding and adjusting to a new normal and turning down the stress response. Lastly, the fifth stage is post betrayal transformation, which is the complete and total rebuild of your life and yourself. By following these steps, you can rebuild your life and yourself after a betrayal.

It is important to remember to be gentle and patient with yourself throughout this process. This is a long and difficult journey, and it is important to recognize that you are doing the best you can. It is also important to seek out the help of a professional if you need it. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and guidance as you navigate the emotions of betrayal and the process of rebuilding. You are also not alone in this journey. Reaching out to friends, family, and other support networks can be incredibly beneficial. Talking about your experiences and connecting with other people who have gone through the same thing can help you to feel less isolated and more understood. Connecting with those who have gone through a similar situation can also provide valuable insight and advice. No matter what, it is essential to remember that you are strong and capable of healing. This is a process that will take time, but with a little bit of patience and effort, you will be able to rebuild your life and yourself.

Betrayal can be a traumatic experience for anyone, but for women over 50, the effects can be especially devastating. To move through the healing process and regain your inner fabulous, recognizing the symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome and following the five steps from Betrayal to Breakthrough is key. Understanding that healing from betrayal is possible, letting go of small self benefits, grieving the loss, finding and adjusting to a new normal, and rebuilding your life and yourself can help you to achieve the transformation and healing you deserve. You can do it – take the first step today!

I’d love to hear how you apply Post Betrayal Transformation to get transformation and healing.. Leave me a comment on how it went for you or drop any questions you want me to answer!

"We know what happens physically, mentally and emotionally at every stage, and we know what it takes to move from one stage to the next. Healing is entirely predictable."

Dr. Debi Silber

TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the fabulous over 50 Podcast. I’m your host, jen hardy, and we are here to encourage, support, and educate women over 50 so that we can find our inner fabulous, and today we are going to do that by talking about a subject that doesn’t sound very fabulous. It’s betrayal.

Jen hardy 00:00:34

Unfortunately, if you are over 50, or a human adult, you have probably experienced this. So I’ve brought Dr. debbie silber here so that we can talk about it and ways to get past it, get through it, and move on.

Jen hardy 00:00:49

Because if we want to be fabulous.

Jen hardy 00:00:50

We don’t want to carry something like that around with us, do we?

Jen hardy 00:00:53

So without further ado, here is our discussion.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:00:57

Hello.

Jen hardy 00:00:58

Today I’ve got Dr. debbie Silver, and I am so excited to have her tell you all about these amazing things that she’s done and the study about betrayal and it’s potential link to our health. I think that’s so important. So. Hi, Dr. debbie. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:01:19

Thank you. Looking forward to our conversation.

Jen hardy 00:01:21

It’s amazing. So we were talking about a study. Can you tell us a little bit about that? We’ll just go out of the gate with that.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:01:27

Absolutely. I don’t think anybody says, you know, I think I want to study betrayal. No, you study it because you have to. And it’s actually my over. I’ve been in business over 30 years, health, mindset, personal development. And then I had a really painful betrayal from my family. Thought I did everything I needed to do to heal from that. And then it happened again a few years later. This time my husband. So anybody who’s been through that, you’re blindsided, devastated life as you’ve known it is no longer. That was the deal breaker. Got him out of the house and looked at the two experiences, thinking, what’s similar to these two? Me. But what else? And I realized I never really took my knee seriously, which is classic of moms, right? It’s always about everybody else. And I’m one of those believers. If nothing changes, nothing changes. So here it was, four kids, six dogs, a thriving business. And I said, you know what? I’m going back for a PhD. And it was in trans personal psychology, the psychology of transformation and human potential. And I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it. I didn’t know how I was going to manage the time. But then it was time to do a study. So I study betrayal, what holds us back, what helps us heal, and what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us lie cheap and deceive. That study led to three groundbreaking discoveries which changed my health, my family, my work, my life.

Jen hardy 00:02:46

Well, that is amazing, because that’s what everyone listening wants, right? We want to break through. We want to change all those things and make them all better. So what did you learn about that. How can we change?

Dr. Debi Silber 00:02:58

Yeah, well, the first discovery was that betrayal is a very different type of trauma. I had been through death of a loved one. I’d actually been through disease. But I was like, betrayal feels different for me. I didn’t want to assume it was the same for everybody else, so I asked them, if you’ve been through other traumas, does betrayal feel different for you? Unanimously. They said it’s so different. And here’s why. Because it feels so intentional. We take it so personally. So the whole self gets shattered and has to be rebuilt, right? Rejection, abandonment, belonging, confidence, worthiness, trust. If you lose someone you love, you grieve, you’re sad, you’re more in the loss, you don’t necessarily lose your ability to trust. Right. So this type of trauma and healing needed its own name, which is now called post betrayal transformation, the complete and total rebuild of your life and yourself after an experience with betrayal. So that was the first one.

Jen hardy 00:03:54

That is amazing. You work with people with that. Oh, sorry.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:03:58

Oh, yes. The pbt Institute is all about moving people through the five stages from betrayal to break through, which was the third discovery. Happy to get to that one, too. Do you want to hear about the second one?

Jen hardy 00:04:09

Yeah, let’s hear about the second one. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just was so excited.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:04:14

The second was that there’s actually a collection of symptoms, physical, mental, and emotional so common to betrayal. It’s known as post betrayal syndrome. And we’ve had, I don’t know, 85,000 people take our post betrayal syndrome quiz on our site to see to what extent they’re struggling. A few things about that. The first thing is, we’ve all heard time heals all wounds, right? I have the proof that when it comes to betrayal, that’s not true. There’s a question on the quiz that says, is there anything else you’d like to share? And people write things like, my betrayal happened 35 years ago. I’m unwilling to trust. My betrayal happened 15 years ago. I feel like it happened yesterday. So we know that unless you intentionally and deliberately heal that betrayal, it will follow you around for life. Which I’ll get to in the third discovery. But every few months, I pull the stats from the quiz to see where people are. I’m happy to share them.

Jen hardy 00:05:14

That’D be great.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:05:15

Please. Sure. So now imagine 85,000 people, men, women, just about every country’s represented, okay? 78% constantly revisit their experience. 81% feel a loss of personal power. Eight, no. Yeah. 80% are hyper vigilant. 94% deal with painful triggers. And anybody who’s been through it, those triggers are so painful, the most common physical symptoms. And I’m sharing this because for all of you moms who are thinking, oh, it’s just aging. Oh, it’s just a baby when I’m tired. No, it’s not. It’s your unhealthy trail. 71% have low energy. 68% have sleep issues. 63% have extreme fatigue. Your adrenals have tanked. 47% have weight changes. Maybe in the beginning you can’t hold food down. Later on, you’re using food for comfort. 45% have a digestive issue. And that could be anything. crohn’s, ibs, diverticulitis, you name it. The most common mental symptoms. 78% are overwhelmed. 70% are walking around in a state of disbelief. 68% can’t focus. 64% are in shock. 62% can’t concentrate. So now imagine you can’t concentrate. You have a gut issue, you’re exhausted. You still have to raise your kids. You still have to work. That’s not even the emotional ones. Emotionally. 88% experience extreme sadness. 83% are very angry. And you could bounce back and forth between those two all day long. 82% are hurt. 80% have anxiety. 79% are stressed. Just a few more. Here’s why I wrote the book. Trust again. 84% have an inability to trust. 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. 82% find it hard to move forward. 90% want to move forward, but they don’t know how.

Jen hardy 00:07:14

Those are some pretty big numbers, and they define a lot of the moms I’ve talked to.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:07:21

Exactly. And what’s even crazier yeah, you didn’t hear me say 20% 30%. These numbers are high. What’s staggering to me, these numbers aren’t necessarily from a recent betrayal. These numbers can be from a betrayal that happened when you were a little kid, from your parent who did something awful, from the girlfriend or boyfriend who broke your heart in high school. So think of this. That person may not no care even remember, they may not even be alive. And here we are walking around with these symptoms because of something that happened decades ago. That’s what happens when we don’t intentionally heal arbitrary. The good news is you can heal from all of it.

Jen hardy 00:08:02

Okay, that’s fabulous. So if someone’s listening and thinking, oh my gosh, that’s me, you just talked about me. So how do they get through it?

Dr. Debi Silber 00:08:12

Yeah, they have to move through the five stages from betrayal to breakthrough. And that was the third discovery. To me, this was the most exciting. And what was discovered was while we can stay stuck for years, decades, a lifetime, and so many people do if we’re going to fully heal, and by fully heal, I mean symptoms of post betrayal syndrome to that completely rebuilt place of post betrayal transformation. We’re going to go through five now proven, predictable stages. What’s even more exciting about that is we know what happens physically, mentally and emotionally at every stage, and we know what it takes to move from one stage to the next. Healing is entirely predictable.

Jen hardy 00:08:52

That’s amazing. And also, I just want to point out that you went through this thing, this horrible thing, and that is another thing. I’m trying to encourage people, but you chose to make a difference because of it. And I just want to applaud you for that, because you could be stuck like so many people are, right? And you said, no, I’ve done this thing and I’m going to see if other people have done this thing and I’m going to solve it. So when you’re listening and you’re thinking, well, I’ve got this thing, go out and make a difference, right? Because you are making a huge difference. Okay, so keep going because it’s great.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:09:28

Thank you. Well, I’ll tell you, I remember the exact moment I was doing the study and I was like, I don’t know how the heck I’m going to heal from this, but if I do, I’m taking everybody with me. That’s just it. I wasn’t willing to be the post trial for betrayal anyway. So, yeah, the five stages, this was the most exciting because a roadmap just showed up. And here’s the thing, too. I didn’t do anything anybody else couldn’t do and there wasn’t a roadmap for it. Now it’s healing is healing is predictable. So the lack of healing, I want everybody to hear this is a choice because there’s a road map now. So the five stages, they are totally mapped out in trust. Again, it’s what we teach within the pbt Institute. We move through all of our members. Our coaches are all certified in the five stages. I’m going to give you an abbreviated version. So stage one, this is before the experience. And if you can imagine four legs of a table, the four legs being physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. What I saw with everybody, me, too, was a heavy lean on the physical and the mental, thinking and doing and neglecting or not really prioritizing the emotional and the spiritual feeling and being. And this is so true. Busy moms, right? It’s like the only way we can get it done is almost to turn off the feeling so we can be almost machine like and get things done. It’s not without a price. Stage two, shock trauma, d day, discovery day, the scariest of all of the stages. And this is the breakdown of the body, the mind and the worldview right here. You’ve ignited the stress response. You are headed for every single stress related symptom, illness, condition, disease. Your mind is in a complete state of chaos and overwhelmed. Right? You cannot wrap your mind around what you just learned and your worldview has just been shattered. Your worldview is your mental model. The rules that govern you, that prevent chaos. Trust this person. Don’t go there. This is how life works. And in one earth shattering moment, everything you’ve known to be real and true is no longer. The bottom has bottomed out and a new bottom hasn’t been formed yet. So this is terrifying. But think about it. If the bottom were to bottom out on you, what would you do? You do everything you could to stay safe and stay alive. And that’s stage three. Survival instincts emerge. It’s the most practical out of all of the stages. If you can’t help me get out of my way, where do I go? Who can I trust? How do I feed my kids? Right? Here’s the trap, though. Stage three, by far, hands down, is the most common place we get stuck. And here’s why. Once we’ve figured out how to survive our experience, because it feels so much better than the shock and trauma of where we just came from, we’re like, whoo, okay, I got this. This is good. And because we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go, we don’t know there’s a stage four or stage five. Transformation doesn’t even begin until stage four. But because we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go, we start planting roots here. We park here. We’re not supposed to, but we don’t know that. And four things happen. The first thing is we start getting all those small self benefits. We get our story. We love our story. We get to be right. We get sympathy from everyone we tell our story to. We get a lot right here. So we plant deeper roots. We’re not supposed to, but we don’t know. And now, because we’re here longer than we should be, now the mind starts doing things like, maybe you’re not all that great. Maybe you deserved it. Maybe this, maybe that. So we plant deeper roots. Again, we’re not supposed to be here, but we don’t know now, because these are the thoughts you’re thinking. This is the energy you’re putting out. Well, like energy attracts like energy. So now you start calling situations and circumstances and even relationships towards you to confirm. yep, this is where you belong. Like the misery loves company crowd. They find you right here, right? And it gets worse. But I’ll get you out of here because it feels so bad. But we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go. We’re like, this stings. But, I mean, I have to work. I have to get through my day. Right here is where we start using food, drugs, alcohol, work, TV scrolling, anything, right? And now think about this. We’re trying to numb, avoid, and distract ourselves from this painful place. So we do it for a day, a week, a month. Now, it’s a habit. A year, ten years, 20 years. And I can honestly see someone 20 years out and say, that emotional eating you’re doing with that numbing in front of the TV, do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal? And they would look at me and say, happened 20 years ago. All they did was put themselves in stage three and stay there. Does that make sense?

Jen hardy 00:14:21

Absolutely. I mean, I know these people. I do. Yes.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:14:27

That’s more common. That’s more common than the other. And that’s why I wrote from hardened to healed. I’m like, everybody’s been through the worst of it already. And then they’re stuck in stage three stuff from hardened to heal. Well, trust again. Maps out the five stages from Hard to healed is all about stage three, because you owe it to yourself to just keep moving through, but people get stuck there anyway. If you are willing to let go of the small self benefits, grieve more in the loss, bunch of things you need to do, you move to stage four. Stage four is finding and adjusting to a new normal. Here’s where you acknowledge, I can’t undo what happened, but I control what I do with it. Right there in that decision, you’re turning down the stress response. You’re not healing just yet, but at least you suffered the massive damage you’ve been creating in stages two and stage three. Stage four feels like if you’ve ever moved, if you’ve ever moved to a new house, office, condo, apartment, whatever, all your stuff is not there. It’s not quite cozy yet, but you’re like, okay, we can do this. It feels like that. But think about it. If you were to move, you don’t take everything with you. You don’t take the things that don’t represent who you want to be in your new space. And what I found was if your friends weren’t there for you right here, it gets a little awkward right here. You’ve outgrown them. They don’t rise, they don’t come. You don’t bring them with you. Here’s where, like, the one sided friendships, you’ve outgrown it. You’re growing. And if they’re not growing with you, they don’t come. So people say to me, you know, what the heck? I’ve had these friends 1020, 30 years. Is it me? Yes, it is. You’re undergoing a transformation, and if they don’t rise, they don’t come anyway. When you’re in this space mentally, and you’re okay with it for a while, you move into the fifth most beautiful stage, and this is healing, rebirth, and a new worldview. The body starts to heal, self love, self care, eating well, exercise. You didn’t have the bandwidth for that earlier. Now you do. You’re making new rules. You’re making new boundaries based on the roads you just traveled. And you have a new worldview based on everything you see so clearly now. And the four legs at the table, it was all about the physical and the mental in the beginning. By this point, we’re solidly grounded because we’re focusing in on the emotional and the spiritual, too. Those are the five stages.

Jen hardy 00:16:46

That is amazing. And it’s so clear when you say it like that, because I know there was a time when I had been very stuck and all my friends were in the exact same spot. And there’s no getting better if you’re surrounded by that, because everyone kind of just they suck you back down, and they’re not trying to. They’re not trying to.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:17:10

But then when you get to a.

Jen hardy 00:17:11

New place, it’s true, they don’t go. They don’t go with you. And that is hard, except that being here is so much better because you can miss them, but you’re not missing you. And I feel like when you’re there, you’re missing part of you.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:17:29

Well, you don’t have the opportunity to create this version of you that never could be created if you didn’t move through it. And this is exactly why I did the study. I saw what worked and I saw what didn’t work. And people think, okay, well, I’ll just go to therapy. I’m a psychologist, but I’m a coach first. And I’ll tell you, we have so many people coming into the ppt Institute with therapy, trauma, well intentioned therapists, but they don’t understand the five stages. So if anything is going to glue you to stage three, like crazy glue, it’s going over your story unpacking and unpacking and unpacking without a plan to move to the next stage, because that becomes your identity, that becomes your story. And you can’t even imagine who you’d be without it. Or you find a support group and it’s like the inid awful club. And what happens is, once you heal, you don’t belong. So you actually sabotage yourself because now you found your people. So we see it all the time. That’s why we have a very certain type of support in pvt and it’s too lift and inspire. I mean, there’s nothing better for our members than to see another member moving to the next stage. And we celebrate that.

Jen hardy 00:18:41

That’s amazing. Yeah, I love that because I think a lot of therapy that I’ve seen in my life and the life of my family, it’s like I just explain it to people. It’s like you get cut and you’re bleeding, right? And the bandaid like the bandaid just barely doesn’t help during the week. And then you go back and you’re cutting more, but it’s not fixing. But what you’re saying is you are releasing all of that and you’re giving the fixing right. Without having to like the slope. I don’t know how to explain that. Sounds pretty yucky, I guess. But the emotional bleeding in the meantime, it just can go on for years with therapy.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:19:18

Oh, absolutely. And it doesn’t need to at all. You know, it’s people come in to pbt, they come in typically stage two, stage three. And so so we know what stage they’re in. It’s like, okay, these are the classes you need to see. These are the coaches you need to see. These are the modules until you get to the next stage. And it’s like, now you do these and do this and see this person watch this master class to get to the next stage and the next. And the whole idea is it’s like training whales, just really until you don’t need them. Because once you move through the stages and I work with our members at the highest level in our Transform program and also in in group, I work with everybody in group settings in our other programs. And I’ll tell you, when people move to stage four and like four and a half. In stage five, we see so much that’s when new businesses or birth, new passion projects, new levels of health, new relationships with the person who hurt them, or someone entirely new, you’re creating something so beautiful that you didn’t have access to earlier. Like the bbt Institute. That was a stage five thing.

Jen hardy 00:20:31

So if someone’s listening right now and they’re thinking, well, all those things you talked about, those high percentages, I’m in almost all of that. If they, they get through stage five, do some of those things go away then?

Dr. Debi Silber 00:20:43

Oh, they all do. They all do. They all do. I even did a video the other day. I was talking about betrayal and accelerated aging. That’s just one of the things. suppressed immune system is another. There are so many. What that stress of betrayal does to you besides, we just feel, oh, it’s the mental and emotional. No, not at all. It’s physical too. But the beauty is when you start healing, the accelerated aging stops you, strengthen your immune system. You, you get rid of that gut issue. You know, think about it. 45%, I read in the stats to you earlier, 45% of everybody who’s been betrayed has a gut issue. But if they don’t deal with the betrayal and they go to the best gut expert on the planet, they’re just sort of hacking away at the leaves, right? When they heal the betrayal, they heal the gut. So everything we do is at the root level.

Jen hardy 00:21:47

That’s amazing. Okay, so you have two books. We’re going to have links in the show notes and on the website. So can you say the names of the books again for somebody?

Dr. Debi Silber 00:21:55

Sure. The two that are most relevant to what we’re talking about is Trust Again. And that one moves you through the five stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. I have my study participants in there and the four step Trust rebuilding process, and I would say start with that one and From harden to healed. That’s if you find, wow, I just found after reading Trust Again, I am totally stuck in stage three. From harden to healed is the book for anybody who’s an audible person. I did the audibles on both of those.

Jen hardy 00:22:29

Wonderful.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:22:29

Okay.

Jen hardy 00:22:30

And if they think, okay, but the book is not enough, I need to go to the next level. How can they work with you or with your group?

Dr. Debi Silber 00:22:36

Yeah, just go to the pbt. It’s in post betrayal, Transformation and the Pbtinstitute.com.

Jen hardy 00:22:42

Okay. And we’ll have a link for that too, because I think I know many of the moms listening are going through a lot of this. And I think that’s something that is so important for us to realize is the link. Our mind and body, they’re connected.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:22:59

Absolutely. And I’ll tell you that just briefly. I was, during my betrayal, insulin resistant borderline diabetic. And I don’t even eat sugar. So imagine if I did. Betrayal wrecks your body and your health. The good news is you can heal from all of it.

Jen hardy 00:23:19

That is amazing. I feel like we should just end right there. That is beautiful. Okay, well, thank you so much for joining me. This has been so amazing and I appreciate you sharing all of these wonderful things. Everything will be in the show notes so you can find Dr. debbie Silver. Oh, my goodness. Thank you again for joining me today.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:23:42

Thank you.

Jen hardy 00:23:45

Was that amazing or what? I had no idea that all of that went into dealing with betrayal, and I think it’s given us some great ways to move through it, get past it, get beyond it, because we need to let all that old stuff go, don’t we? It is so time to do that. I know that I have spent the last year really finding myself again and I am liking what I found and letting go of all the stuff I didn’t like and letting go of all the feeling like I shouldn’t like myself. Right. And feeling like maybe I deserved bad things, because I didn’t, and neither do you. So I encourage you to go to jen Hardy Mom hardy and check out all the things that I’ve got over there because I have got some fabulous things happening now, from daily video emails for you to a group of women over 55 membership. And if you’re a podcasting woman, I am starting masterminds that are going to knock your socks off. So be sure to join me, genhardy. Net, and find all the fabulousness there is for you today. All right? So I look forward to talking to you next week. We’ve got some great things happening still talking about relationships and you are going to love them, so stay tuned and stay fabulous.

Dr. Debi Silber 00:27:12

Thank you.

From betrayal to breakthrough

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